In search of Me in MOMMY

Moving Day!

2011-07-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

My e-bags are packed and I am read to move In Search of Me in Mommy to it's new home!

www.InSearchofMeinMommy.com

At my new home, you can receive my FREE gift - 50 Ways for a Mom to Connect with her Authentic Self. In this document I share with you some of the lessons I learned, thus far, in my search for me in mommy and hopefully will give you ideas about how you can connect with your ME, amidst the chaos of motherhood.

See you at www.InSearchofMeinMommy.com :)

I am selfish

2011-03-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

There. I said it. And, I'll say it again. I. Am. Selfish.

If selfish means that I take the time for me.

Time spent to...

Grow

Learn

Know myself

Explore my interests

Understand my strengths and my weaknesses

Improve

Create

Dream

Step outside my comfort zone

Have a life outside of my roles of mom and wife

Pursue my passions

Live more fully

Love myself, so I can love others more fully

Be me - a more authetic and whole me.

Then, YES, I am happily, joyfully, authentically SELFISH!

So be it!

Seeing Red...

2011-03-23T12:15:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a gray, chilly, dreary day in Cleveland, Ohio. Despite the treat of rain showers, I decided to head out for a walk through the park. Earlier in the morning I had read a section entitled "Tips For Interpreting The Signs From the Universe" in Get Out Of Your Own Way e-course by Dr. Lissa Rankin of Owning Pink that I am taking.

As I walked, I began to think about signs from the Universe and wondered about their existence. In the past I believe that there have been signs, here and there, that have pointed me in a direction or steered me clear from a catastrophe. But, typically, I haven't focused on, or asked for signs on a regular basis. I hadn't really put much thought into whether there are, or are not, "signs" sent from the Universe.

It was during these thoughts when I, randomly, came upon the little red devil!

That little red devil was incredibly unnerving! I was even a bit frightened! Was it a sign? And, if so, what did this sign mean? Millions of thoughts ran through my head - most of them negative.

Was I in danger?

Was something awful about to happen?

What was I being warned about?

And, even though, I had an urge to turn and run back to the safety of my car, I continued on my walk. I tried to "spin" it in my brain and forced happier thoughts - like maybe the sign is about the "devil in the details". Or that since he was such a cute devil, that it certainly couldn't be an "evil" sign...Right????

Moments later, I rounded a corner and saw, smack dab in the middle of the walking path, was a bright red can of Coke.

And suddenly, I began to see RED everywhere!

A red post on the side of the road.

A white plastic bag, with red writing, caught in a tree, blowing in the wind.

A tree with a red trail marking nailed into it's trunk.

And, my favorite, a red-crested woodpecker hopping from tree to tree.

...Just to name a few.

So, obviously, the meaning of little red devil "sign" had something to do with the color red.

Right????

So, when I got home, I googled "the meaning of the color red" and I found this:

Put some red in your life when you want:

~ Increased enthusiasm and interest

~ More energy

~ Action and confidence to go after your dreams

~ Protection from fears and anxieties

And recently, that is everything that I have been looking for!!!!!

I guess it really is a "sign"! Right????

So, tell me, do you believe in "signs" from the Universe???

RENEWed!

2011-03-14T16:22:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had one of those times when your brain was telling you to say NO, but your heart and gut were screaming YES?!!? Deciding, at the last minute, to say YES and attend a women's conference 6 HOURS from home was one of those of those times for me.

It was another experience that reminds me to...

"Say "yes" to life -- and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you." ~Eckart Tolle

And it was a Whirlwind of Goodness!

On Thursday night I attending and help coordinate a wonderful Auction for the Foundation for our local school district where we raised over $40,000 for the kids in the district - WOoHooIes! - it always feels good to be a part of something so good!

Then on Friday, after packing my bags and taking my youngest to afternoon preschool, I headed to Alpena, Michigan for an exciting R.E.N.E.W. (Rejuvenating, Energizing, Nurturing, and Enlightening Women) Expo for Women!

Saturday, all day, I was surrounded by wonderful women who shared insights, stories, and encouragement with each other during the all-day conference. In the morning I was fortunate to hear Christine Wagner speak about Using Your Whole Brain for an Amazing Life. Which was incredibly interesting and really made me think.

During Lunch and directly following the meal, I heard the amazing Debbie Phillips share her insights about being a Woman on Fire and about finding your passion. I was inspired...and RENEWed!

Here is a video made by the amazing Jamie Eslinger of Women on Fire that created that gives a good sense of the event (and I even make a cameo in it).

The only bad part of the experience, what that I had to head home on Saturday and with the long drive home, I had to miss the wine tasting. C'est-la-vie ~ I had a glass of when I got home and I toasted to

saying YES to life!

What are you going to say YES to, today?

Dear Fit Girl

2011-02-25T12:35:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I posted a letter to my Fat-Self, to my Fit-Self. Today, my Fat-Self responds to the letter.

Dear Fit Girl Kim-

Please, back off! It is NOT helpful, in the least, when you tell me that you are disappointed and ashamed of me! Shaming me is not what I need and it is disrespectful. Please, be kinder to me.

Do you think I like to be me? No, I don’t! I did the best I could! Do you remember times when you were a quivering fearful anxious mess? Do you remember hiding and running away from the pain? I helped you get though tough times. Were my choices always the best? No, I know that they weren’t. I was just trying to survive with some semblance of togetherness. Yes, horrible habits were formed. I know that. But please – do not shame me now. Be patient with me. Habits are hard to break – especially when I only feel hatred from you.

It means the world to me that you have recognized how hard I tried to protect you. Thank you for acknowledging that. I feel appreciated and, yes, even loved! That is more helpful than you will ever know.

I am glad to see your strength and enthusiasm back. I feel your new “glow”. And, I welcome it. Trust me, I do! I want YOU to shine in the spotlight, as I do much better in a background supporting role. I never wanted to be on the stage. I was just a stand-in waiting for you. You are the star! I am thrilled that you are finding your way!

Carry on – I’m with you!

With love,
Fat Girl Kim

Dear Fat Girl

2011-02-24T11:27:00.000-05:00

I was reading a blog, The Promise 365, by Jamie Eslinger in which she posted a letters from her Fat-Self to her Skinny-Self based on an exercise from the book, A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson.

I was inspired! So I bought the book and am reading it. I have found some nuggets of goodness! And, thus far, the biggest impact has been writing to my Fat-Self and Fit-Self (for me, "fit" was more comfortable than "skinny".) I wrote these letters over a week ago, and I have been hesitant to share, as it feels quite personal and I feel incredibly vulnerable. But it has been SO powerful for me that I decided to post them.

Today is the first letter to my FAT-Self, from my FIT-Self. And the next post will be a responce from my FAT-Self.

Dear Fat Girl Kim-

Dang, at times, you make me sad, disappointed and ashamed of myself. When I look at you I cringe with hatred!

Do you know how beautiful I am? You cover me up and won’t let others see my beauty. That pisses me off!

Please stop. Please stop getting in the way of me.

I see myself so clearly in my mind, but when I see you in the mirror or a picture, I am shocked! When did you take over? How did I let that happen? I know it is scary to let go of that layer of protection you have provided me. But you are stopping me from enjoying and participating in my best life.

Being alone WAS scary. It was frightening and felt incredibly overwhelming at times. I know you tried to protect me from those feelings. But, now you are not alone. And yes, you proved that you are worth it, no matter the size! YES, we are truly worthy of love and happiness! But, still, you continue to isolate me from others and from my best life. I’m tired of having my wall of fat up and blocking people out.

I want to let others in and I want to let my true self shine. I want to run and hike and dance and move freely. I want to stand in front of others feeling proud of myself. You get in my way.
What do you need from me so we can move forward? I think it is love. But I am not sure if I know how to love you...

I guess I’ll start with gratitude...

Thank you for trying to protect me from the pain of loneliness, failure and rejection. Yes, those are scary feelings – But, stuffing and numbing the pain with food, wine, and inactivity only increases the fear. And, I have learned that facing fears, head on, takes away their power. I know that your intentions were good and for that, thank you!

But this has to end. P.L.E.A.S.E!

Now, can we find other ways to deal with those painful feelings? Believe it or not, I want to feel them. Yep, that is terrifying, but I know that on the other side of the fear there is pure joy!

Please – join me! We can do this!

Love,
Fit Girl Kim

Create. Explore. Play.

2011-02-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Love Letter

2011-02-14T10:42:00.004-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! The perfect day to write a love note!

Who are you going to write your love letter to this year?

Me? I wrote one to myself.

Wait! Before you roll your eyes and think about how hokey it is to write a love letter to yourself, hear me out!

I thought the same thing - but then I did it. Yes, it felt hokey. But it also felt incredibly empowering! And it was a fabulous way to appreciate my past, recognize and embrace the present and envision the future.

Really, you should try it!

Here is what I wrote (ekk! I'm scared to share)

February 14, 2011

Dear Kim-

I’m not always sure if you know how wonderful you are. You are! Please remember that you are loved.

I know that right now you are struggling to find your place. Please let that be ok. Give yourself time and room to grow into your best self and you will become more comfortable. You don’t always have to have the answers. The answers will come, when it is time. Sit with the unknown and be ok. And, remember right now, your place is right as it should be. Yes there are times, like currently, when you feel “out of sorts” – just know that those moments are primed for growth. Allow the feelings in and you will get to the other side, happier and healthier.

In the mean time, continue to step outside of your comfort zone. Continue to try on new roles. Continue to learn and grow. You know you have something special going on. Over the past year, you have really taken the time on yourself! You are so open to learning and growing. It is astonishing how honest you can be with yourself and others. You are not afraid to share shameful and tough moments – and, please, begin to believe that it DOES make a difference in other peoples’ lives. You know you have gifts to share. Share them.

Now, about friendships: Yes, you have been hurt, disappointed, and blindsided by friends. But that does not mean that you should avoid new friendships. Let your guard down – if only a little – and let people in. Having friendships is so valuable. Being alone is no fun. Let go of that pain. Forgive.

As far as your body – don’t give up. Most importantly, continue to come from a place of love; for that will take you further than you know. You have habits that have been in place for over twenty years. Know that two steps forward will also include a step backwards. Mistakes will be made. It’s ok. Persist.

With regard to the Kim of the future: Keep that vision of yourself, years from now, on the beach feeling so complete, confident and uber comfortable in your own skin, fresh and available. Envisioning her will help you become! One day you will look in the mirror and recognize her – she’s in there. You already have glimpses of her. She is you! Believe.

With regard to the Kim of the past: Think about where you have been and how much you have grown.

You are so much more comfortable in your own skin than just a year ago.
You are embracing your authentic self and (mostly) have no apologies for be you.
You (along with Jeff) have created your wonderful family – filled with love, laughter, and confidence.
Your boys are happy, healthy, and add joy to the world. And you have a significant role in that!
You continually strive to improve and grow. And, you do!
You were once afraid of physically pushing yourself, and now, you have successfully completed a Triathlon and ran/walked 10 miles.
Fear used to stop you – now you can step into the fear and try new things.

Truly, it is staggering.

Please, Celebrate Yourself!

With love,
Kim

Jury's Out on the Plethora of Joy-Inducing Activities

2011-02-13T17:12:00.001-05:00

So I am back on board with my joy-inducing activities. But the jury is still out if this experiment is working.

During the first week of February, I would have said unequivocally that joy was added to my life. By simply having the intention of adding joy to my life, made me happier and "lighter". And the activities were an added bonus!

But throughout this past week, I am not so sure. When the activities did not feel joyful, I felt discouraged and the lack of joy felt magnified. Then, as I "fell off the joy-inducing activity wagon" and life happened, I wondered if this experiment was all just a waste of time.

I don't know how I will feel at the end of the month. We'll just have to wait and see.

Until then, here is my joy-inducing activity update:

Friday brought a clean house and a clean closet. And I am not so sure that I felt joy - but it did feel good to have it done!

Saturday it was Flowers on the Kitchen table that made me smile. And, gives me hope that, perhaps, spring will arrive soon?!!?

And today is a wonderful mani and pedi. While enjoyed it, it would have been more fun if I would have planned ahead and invited a friend or two.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and the beginning of a new week and more fun, joy-inducing activities!

Finding 3 Days Lacking Joy-Inducing Activities.

2011-02-11T12:58:00.000-05:00

Confession time...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
I have been remiss in my monthly commitment to myself.

It all started on Tuesday, when my joy-inducing activity of Making a Craft, was, well...less than joy-inducing.

And then life happened...an unusually busy Wednesday, with a doctor's appointment that was disappointing, and then I woke up with a head cold on Thursday that left me foggy and unmotivated, and today, I am still feeling the blahs and, of course, beating up on myself for my 3 days of no joy-inducing activities.

I tried really hard to put a spin on it and find the positive - but every spin I thought of was simply a lie.

The truth is that I stopped. And, the BLAHS moved in and the JOY moved out.

As an all-or-nothing type of person, typically I would simply throw the towel in and quit my Month of Joy. I would of accepted defeat and been done. But I am fighting that urge.

So I am starting again.

Left on my list of Joy-Inducing activities are:
Go to a Movie, Paint, Play, Fresh Flowers, Get a Mani and a Pedi, Write a Letter to a Friend, Laugh Out Loud, Write a Poem, Make Goop with the Boys, Clean out a Closet, Add More Color to My World, Write a Love Note, Make S'Mores, Make a Snowman, Do Something Crazy, Have a Date Night, Write a Story, Sing. And, I have a Dance do-over in order.

Today, I will Clean out a Closet. Hell, I'll clean the whole house.

So I'm off to find Joy in a vacuum. Wish me luck.

Day 7 - Finding Joy is Like a Walk in the Park.

2011-02-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

Today is Day 7.

And it was a walk in the park and dabbling in Photography that added nuggets of Joy to my day.

Here in Cleveland, Ohio we covered with S.N.O.W - but it is not that pretty just fallen snow, it is the mucky, yucky brown with the occassional yellow spotted snow. Furthermore, today was a very gray day and I am not exactly sure why I choose to take on "walk through the park" on such a gloomy day - but I am glad I did! And, I am especially glad that at the last minute, I decided to grab my camera.

Once I got into the park, the mucky, yucky stuff that is all around town, was no where to be seen. Instead I saw...

I was pleasantly surprised by the beauty and the color. The orange, yellows, and browns were a vibrant contrast to the snow. I didn't expect to get many good shots, but I end up with quite a few that I really like. Yeah!

A simple walk in the park + my camera = JOY!

Day 6 - Finding Super Bowl Joy.

2011-02-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl Sunday was Day 6. And, instead of following my list - I found joy elsewhere.

I don't think anyone who knows me would define me as a sports fan. It's not that I am not familiar with sports and team games. And, have, at various times in my life, followed teams regularly. When I was in high school and college on fall Sundays the Cleveland Browns was my team to watch. A few years later, when the Browns were hijacked, leaving Cleveland football-less, I was living in Wisconsin, so I adopted the Packers as my team. I have also been know to enjoy attending Indians games - or even better, minor-league baseball games. But in the more recent years, I have not been much of a sports fan. Other things seemed to be a priority.

But this year I decided that I wanted to watch the Super Bowl - I figured if for nothing else, the commercials would be fun.

So I made some yummy turkey chili. Started a fire in the fireplace. Got my big floor pillows out and was set to watch the game.

The fun began as soon as the game started. My boys (ages almost 5 and 6) started asking questions about the game. I had so much fun explaining the 4 downs, end zones, touchdowns, and punting. And, they took it all in with exuberant curiosity...wondering about why they are called the "Packers" and what a "Steeler" is? Some of their questions and comments were so innocently sweet and adorable funny that my husband and I often glanced at each other, in amusement, and smiled. It was a blast to hear them talk about teams "huddling up" and to see them excitedly cheering on the "Green Bays".

Later, after the boys had gone to bed, I laid by the fire and savored the warmth, while my husband read a magazine. It felt so cozy and incredibly peaceful.

As I headed to bed, I noticed the smell of the fire on my PJ's. It brought back many memories of bonfires, campfires, and winter days snuggled up at home. For us, the day was not extraordinary. It was not filled with awards or huge accomplishments. It was not about football or who would win the game. It was a simply an moment filled with family and love.

A perfectly, JOYFUL, ordinary moment!

Day 5 - Making the "Not Fun" more FUN!

2011-02-06T12:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Day 5.

It was a day that I was dreading! I had agreed to "Tackle the Tower" - climb 38 floors, 646 steps - to the top of the Tower at Erieview in Downtown Cleveland with my sister and husband.

I really wanted to bail.

But I couldn't. So instead, I tried to make it FUN!

I took the pressure off. My goal was to simply finish and did not feel compelled to beat my previous times.
I took my MP3 player and listened to some great tunes while I climbed.
Knowing that challenges like this are often more mental than physical, I decided to focus on staying calm.
I recognized that the anxiousness that I was feeling at the start was just part of the experience and instead of wishing it away, I made room for it.
At each water stop, I made a point of smiling and saying "Thank You" to the volunteers.
When other folks were ready to pass me, I smiled and let them go by.

When I finished I felt great! I didn't beat a previous time - not by a long shot. But I didn't care.

I did it! And, I even enjoyed it!

AND, more importantly, I experienced something that I have NEVER experienced before in all of my various races...I never once compared my body to the other racers. I never felt like a fraud or that I didn't belong. And, I never felt bad about myself or my body for not being and looking healthier and "better". And to that I have to say - WOW!

That is HUGE for me!

Yep...Day 5 was a SUCCESS!

Day 4 - Finding Joy in Sledding

2011-02-06T10:58:00.000-05:00

Day 4 was filled with joy-inducing sledding!

It was perfect - the temperature was a balmy 32 degree, the hill was covered with perfectly packed snow and the boys were THRILLED!

I am typically a side-liner. You know the type..."no, no - go ahead. I'll just watch you sled!" But not this time! Nope, I took on the hill. And I have to say, the first time down, as my heart flew out of my body, the sled and hill had full control, and the fear, fast and furiously, crept in I wondered, "Why in the Hell did I think this would be joy-inducing?"

But as I got the end of the hill - My face broke into a huge smile and I felt a big ol' "WooHooie!" erupt from my insides.

Back up the hill for another Joy-inducing (and the occasional tear-inducing) plunge!

Their smiles could not be contained!

Yep, JOY!
And the boys felt it too!!!!

Day 3 - Searching for Joy in Dance.

2011-02-04T20:52:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was DAY 3.

And yesterday, a few books that I had ordered from Amazon had arrived, and I decided to start reading Life Is A Verb, by Patti Digh. Throughout the book, Ms. Digh provides activities for the reader. Ironically, the first activity was about exploring joy through dance. So, I figured it was clearly a sign from the universe - Dancing would be my joy-inducing activity.

First, it is important to know that I am not a dancer. I have never really liked going out to clubs, not even in college, when all my friends were "doing it". Dancing has just never been my thing - in fact we didn't even have any dancing at our wedding. So dancing definitely takes me out of my element. With this being said, there have been times when I have turned on some tunes and be-bopped around my house and even, dare I say, "got my groove on!" So, while dancing is not my thing, it is not a completely far-fetched activity.

So I tuned on my tunes, from my new playlist. Grabbed my four year old son and we began to dance. He had a blast wiggling, jumping, spinning, and shaking. His giggles (and wiggles) should have been contagious. But they weren't. I was completely in my head - and was self-conscious about EVERYTHING!

About my dancing...
About my body...

About my crabby mood that wasn't lifting...

About an anticipated message I hadn't received yet...

About the presentation I was scheduled to do that night...

And ESPECIALLY about the Joy that was NOT happening...

And so, my joy-inducing activity ended up inducing the exact opposite.

I became melancholy and sad and began to wonder, if perhaps, I do not know how to let joy into my life. It felt incredibly defeating.

Fortunately, this happened in the morning, and in the afternoon I had lots of stuff to do. So I went about my day and slowly the melancholy lifted. Then, after successfully completing my presentation last night, I realized that I had been nervous (all day) and felt incredibly vulnerable about sharing my story. That, compounded by my anxiousness regarding the above mentioned message, foiled my joy. I was not open to receiving joy - other emotions were in the way.

I recognize that joy can not occur simply because I do a joy inducing activity. And, I know that my heart has to be open to it. And, I understand that sometimes my heart is closed and, rightly, focused on other matters.

I can NOT force joy.

Which may lead someone to wonder whether or not my joy-inducing activity experiment is worth doing. I, in fact, wondered the same thing. But tonight, when my son unexpectedly turned on the twinkle lights while I was sitting at my desk, and I immediately felt a twinge of JOY (and saw a glimmer of happy in his eyes) I had my answer.

So, I am thinking that a Dance-Do-Over is in order!

Day 2 - Finding Joy in a Playlist

2011-02-03T17:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I found a little bit of joy in a playlist...

My playlist includes:

I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas
Rhythm Of Love by Plain White T's
King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
Raise Your Glass by P!nk
Party In The USA by Miley Cyrus
Hey, Soul Sister by Train
TiK ToK by Ke$ha
Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall
Dynamite by Taio Cruz
The Climb by Miley Cyrus
Firework by Katy Perry
We R Who We R by Ke$ha
Glitter In The Air by P!nk

It was fun to pick out some new music and kept some oldies that I have used before!

What songs would be on your playlist?

Day 1 - Finding Joy in Twinkle Lights

2011-02-01T17:28:00.001-05:00

Today, I added Twinkle Lights to my office,
(idea shamelessly lifted from www.ordinarycourage.com)

and you know what...

They make me smile.

Yeah! A nugget of joy added to my world!

And a BONUS...
A snow day with my boys added even more joy...

I officially deem Day 1 a success!

28 Joy-Inducing Activities!

2011-01-31T17:11:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the February 1st! And I am ready for 28 days of Joy! I have made my list of 28 joy-inducing activities - even a chart to keep track of my progress. I think that this will be fun!

What would you do to add a little more joy in your life?

In Search of JOY in Ordinary Moments

2011-01-29T13:15:00.001-05:00

I have decided that during the month of February I am going to focus on adding more joy to my life. Basically, I am going to have a list of simple things that I can do (one each day) to add nuggets of joy to my life.

I have done some research on joy and found this quote that I love and reminded me about the ordinary moments that are filled with joy...

I think the beauty of twinkle lights is a perfect metaphor for joy.

Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down the extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable.

I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, and inspiration.

~ Brene Brown

I am looking build a list of 28 things to do (one for each day) to add joy to my life. Some that I already have on my list are:

Hang twinkle lights
Get fresh flowers for my kitchen table
Get outside and walk through the park (even though February is stinking brrrr here)
Go sledding with the kids

Also, I plan to begin a gratitude journal and write 3-5 items I am grateful for each night, and I am giving up alcohol (since it is a depressant, thus not joy-inducing) for the month.

So I am curious...

what are some ordinary moments/things that bring you joy?

Perhaps you can help me add to my list.

Thanks!

Middle of the Road

2011-01-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

Extremes and I don't really get along. In most every situation, I have almost always place myself somewhere in the middle. Not too left, or too right. Not too crazy, or too boring. Not too smart, or too dumb. Not too successful, but not unsuccessful. I could go on...

Clearly, at some point in my life, I began to believe that the middle of the road is safe.

And, it is, isn't it?

I am not sure I fully believe that anymore.

While I am not interested in extremist or radical behaviors. And, I do find some wonderful benefits to being a "middle of the road" person. I wonder if I have lived this concept, well, too extreme?!!? (oh, the irony!)

Typically, I have wanted to "understand all sides", but then, I don't always know how to own my own opinions, thoughts, and convictions. Also, I generally don't feel too strongly about much, but then, I have missed out on feeling too excited about anything. And, I suppose, by doing this I have been saved from some heartache and disappointment.

...and that's good, RIGHT?

Or is it...?

I am suspicious that by avoiding heartache and disapointment, I have also inadvertenly denied myself more joy and happiness.

Because, in the end, heartache and and joy go hand in hand...don't they?

Reflections of Motherhood

2011-01-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

This video is too good not to share! I found it while tooling around on one of my newest favorite blogs Ordinary Courage by Brene Brown.

I think I would tell myself... "There MANY right ways to mother. Don't compare...TRUST the mom in you!"

What would you tell your pre-child self?

Three Word Day

2011-01-24T18:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my first edition of my THREE WORD DAY.

Three Word Day is a self-reflection activity. By picking three words that best sum up my day I more easily target in on the most important aspects of my day. And, hopefully I can see that my day is a "baby step" toward my ultimate dream.

Productive

Laughter

Connections

What are your THREE WORDS today?

Me in the Mirror

2011-01-20T16:54:00.003-05:00

On January 1, 2011 when I was seriously considering taking on the love of my body as my #1 goal for 2011, I did something that I typically don't do. In fact, I can not remember the last time that I have actually done this. I sure that for some people, doing this is not a big deal and perhaps strange that, for me, this was incredibly hard. And, honestly, I feel extremely vulnerable, to even share this with you. But, in the spirit of my quest...here goes...

My big step toward loving myself, especially my body, was standing in front of a full length mirror in my birthday suit. Yep, Buck naked. Egads!

But, instead of looking at myself with my usual disgust, I consciously forced myself to find beauty.

This body, MY body, has carried 2 children and birthed them. And, has safely completed a sprint triathlon and 5Ks, and trained for a half marathon and was able to ran/walked ten miles. It has never broken a bone or been severely injured. In fact, my body is strong and kind to me. So, I saw the curves, rolls, and excess layers and decided to embrace them.

And while it was a big step - it is hard to maintain that appreciation.

Today while strutting my stuff in a Zumba class, I noticed how much I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. So, I forced myself to look, and tried to appreciate. At times, I laughed at how silly I looked. Other times I saw my body move and witnessed muscles in action and felt good. Occasionally, I saw extra fat, and felt forgiveness...but still there were moments that I felt shame.

Shame that I am the largest one in the Zumba class. Shame for occasionally doing "low impact" when I "should" be able to always do the "harder" exercising. Shame that I am not the thin, active, spirited person that I envision in my head. Shame of the round belly, and double chin. Shame that I have gotten to this place - the heaviest (excluding pregnancy) that I have ever been. Shame that I have high blood pressure - because I have not cared for my body. Shame and sadness.

And I don't want to feel shameful anymore. But I know there is not a magic pill to make it all go away.

So, I write. I share with you my experience about my shame...because "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared." ~Brene Brown

And, I remind myself, that loving myself, especially my body, is a journey... and my mirror packed and ready to come along!

Defining Love - your thoughts?

2011-01-18T13:40:00.002-05:00

I read this wonderful book The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown. The book is amazing - encouraging, thought-provoking, honest, and challenging. I have never before read a book that invoked so much emotion - at times I was hopeful and happy and other times I felt incredibly angry and frustrated.

But overall, I was inspired. I AM INSPIRED!

I have already gone back multiple times to reread parts to better understand myself.

One statement she made, as a part of her definition of love, has really stuck with me...perhaps because I SO want to believe it to be true, and in the same breath, I am petrified that it IS true. The quote is:

"Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -

we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

~Brene Brown

So, I am uber curious, what do you think?

Can we love others, only as much as we love ourselves?

From Loathing to Loving - a beginning.

2011-01-17T09:48:00.002-05:00

You know those moment...those Aha Moments, when words mixed with strong feelings intertwined with a guttural knowing of TRUTH, invade your entire being?

That is what happened to me one fall day 2011 while I was taking a bath. I had been reading the book Women, God, and Food and was thinking about my weight, health, and my body. Just prior to the Aha Moment, I had been lamenting about all my past lose-weight-eat-better failures and felt completely depleted and hopeless.

Then, something clicked in my head, and that wonderful moment arrived and I realized...

That every time I have EVER tried to loose weight

I started from a place of LOATHING my body

(I would see my reflection in a store window and feel disgust, or I would step on the scale with dread and that LOATHING of my body - and thus a significant part of who I am - would temporarily motivated me, yet ultimately fail me.)

and I wondered, what if, I started in space of LOVING myself and my body?

I knew, in that moment, the incredible power and possible profound impact of those words. I felt empowered...

and a millisecond later I felt discombobulated and bewildered.

I didn't know how to start in a space of LOVING my body. It was a complete change in my thought process and I felt lost. Yet, I knew that I needed to find my way to that place.

And this year, that is my journey.

The year of...

2011-01-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

Inspired by the amazing Debbie Phillips and encouraged by Inner Mean Girl Reform School I have decided to identify and embrace a theme, My Theme, for 2011.

This theme will guide my decisions, help ground me, move me forward and keep me inspired. I am excited about the possibilities and have a clear, realistic vision for what I want to accomplish by December 31, 2011.

But, also, I am scared. Scared of failure and disappointment and fearful that this will be just another one of those things that I start (with all the greatest of intentions) but do not complete.

Ironically, this is today's inspiration...
I love my Inspire Cards by melissaAnne
www.melissaannegallery.com

So - to combat quitting, and to keep me honest and accountable...I am not going to keep my theme unwrapped - I am announcing it - outloud and proud (eek, this is scary!...but here goes...)

For me, 2011 is the year of loving myself, especially my body!

What is YOUR theme for 2011?

Crumpled Tissue Paper and Pretty Bows

2011-01-04T11:18:00.002-05:00

Every day when I turned on my computer, since September 30, 2010, this blog, that I have set as my home page, has come up on my screen. Every day since September 30, 2010, I saw the title of my last post, "The Half Marathon That Wasn't" and I felt a twinge of...something...

Failure.

Disappointment.

Regret.

But surprisingly those feelings are (mostly) not about the Half Marathon that I didn't do. Those feelings are about this blog...that I left hanging, undone, and alone. More so, I felt sad that My Search for Me in Mommy seemed to have fizzled.

Or did it? I don't know... When I started my blog, I planned to write about my "purposeful" journey for 1 year...but in reality, I only completed 6 months. And in that sense, it is a failure.

But, when I reflect back on January - June 2010, I know, in my heart, that I did not fail! During that time I grew tenfold. I found nuggets of wisdom that I never knew I had. I realized more of "ME" than I ever could have dreamed. I began to feel more comfortable in my skin and more authentic. Dare, I say...I TRANSFORMED? Yes, I believe I did. And, all of that is what I set out to accomplish. YEAH ME!

So then, I asked myself, what happened from July-December? I know that I became focused on my new business (Little Hands Artwork) and directed my energy there. And, definitely took up much of my time that I would have otherwise spent on my blog. But, also, during the last six months of the year, I also found myself (consciously, and unconsciously) sifting through the realizations, lessons, and Ahas of the previous months. I "tried them on" to see what fit me and learned which ones I owned, which ones that I still need to grow into, and which ones I could discard. That sifting, is still happening...as with everything, it is a process.

So is it a failure?...NO it is not! But I am disappointed that I did not continue in a more purposeful way. And I do regret that I did not follow through with my one year plan - as it would have seemingly wrapped it up in a beautifully wrapped package.

But I guess, journeys like this, don't fit into pretty presents.

So I sit here among the roles of wrappings, the crumpled tissue paper and the pretty bows...and I am enjoying this moment.

Happy New Year Everyone!

The Half Marathon that wasn't

2010-09-30T12:17:00.000-04:00

So on Tuesday I went to the doctors. THANKFULLY, the MRI showed that all is normal in my brain! So my headaches are nothing serious. However, my doctor put me on some medicine, and said that I was able to exercise, but I should not do too much, too fast. So my half marathon is off. I have mixed feelings about the outcome. In someways I am incredibly disappointed but in other ways I am extremely relieved.
In this whole experience, there have been many lessons learned.

I never expected to EVER be able to make it as far as I did during training. The 10 miles of run/walking that I did a few weeks ago is what I will take with me - knowing that I trained and pushed myself to do something that at one point seemed impossible is enough.
Also, in the spirit of being true to myself, I have accepted that I do not like running. I tried (oh how I tried) to like it - but I don't. Getting out the door to go run is 1million times harder than getting out the door to bike, or swim, or Zumba, or even spinning. So I will continue to workout, and be healthier - but I am going to focus on what I enjoy!
Lastly, after being sent to get an MRI, to check for an aneurysm or tumor, shook my world a little. While I didn't want to overreact or over-dramatize the situation, I couldn't help but wonder about my future. Not knowing if my headaches were something serious, or not, reminded me of the preciousness of life.

My husband is still doing the half marathon, so we leave tomorrow for Disney. I will be there to cheer on the runners and watch their amazing accomplishment!

Good Luck to everyone who is racing!

Half Marathon Training Update.

2010-09-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

So...I haven't shared about my half marathon training for over two weeks and the last I shared was about my self-sabotage. Well...soon after that last post, I went out and did 10 miles! I ran for 3 minutes and then I walked for 2 minutes, I ran for 3 more minutes, and I walked for 2 minutes...and did that pattern 27.5 times. It felt great and I was incredibly positive and hopeful. The following weekend I did 11 miles. It didn't go as smoothly, but nonetheless, I finished the 11 miles at a pace fast enough that had I been in the actual race, I would not of been gathered up in the patty wagon and driven to the finish. So I felt that, while this wasn't what I had envisioned back when I signed up, it was still an accomplishment to simply finish, and beating the patty wagon was my new goal.

This past weekend my son was sick and I was exhausted, not feeling the top of my game and had a few pretty severe, throbbing headaches, so I laid low. On Monday, I decided to go for a short 3 mile run, and not even 1/2 mile into the run I felt a killler, throbbing headache coming on and I turned around and walked home. The throbbing ache was very strong for a good hour and then a dull pain lasted the remained of the night. To make a long story short, what I came to realize was that in the past 6 days my headaches were all triggered by exerting energy and my heart rate raising. This was something that I had never experienced before - and I have not been prone to regular headaches or ever had even one migraine.

So, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. After answering all of his questions, following his fingers (with my eyes) up, down, and all around and performing various sobriety tests (which I passed with flying colors - which is a good thing, since I hadn't had a drink for at least 6 hours), my doc sidelined me from any exertion. He wrote a script for a MRI of my brain (just as a precaution) and set an appointment for a follow-up with him. So this morning, I headed (literally) into a giant medical tube, had dye injected into my vein, and had millions of magnetic waves penetrating my head, imaging my noggin.

The good news is that the MRI tech said that she saw nothing alarming, but, of course, my doctor will give me the final results. My follow up appointment is on Tuesday, so until then, I am banded from any exertion. This weekend I am signed up for a 5k which I will now watch from the sidelines. And next weekend is the half marathon. Honestly, I have no idea whether I'll be able to do it or not.

So...I wish I could wrap this up into a pretty bow with an enlightened conclusion, but right now I do not have one. On Tuesday I will know more... Until then I am crossing my fingers and wishing for the best - whatever that might be.

Vomitismus...

2010-09-21T21:35:00.001-04:00

My oldest son has been sick.
Vomiting from Thursday night until Sunday morning.

It has been challenging and difficult to see - as all parents know too well. It is NO fun to have a sick child.

However, I do have ONE tiny, little itty-bitty, happy piece of news that came out of the four days of vomitismus...

He got most of the "hurl-age" contained to the commode!

I'm sure that this is certaintly not listed as a milestone in any medical journals...but I am wondering...

"Why the F*#@^ not?"

Major accomplishment. Major!

Women on Fire Tea Party - a little slice of utopia.

2010-09-17T14:44:00.001-04:00

Imagine a world where women come together in the spirit of encouragement, support, and authenticity. A place where judgments, competition, and insecurities are checked at the door and all are welcomed with open arms! Where women are simply encouraged to become... to realize their "true" selves ...to search inside themselves to tap into their purpose ... and, step by step, become more of who they really are.

Doesn't that sound unreal?

But it's not...
Last night (after driving two hours through horrific thunderstorms and tornado warnings) I found a slice of that utopia and I am so jazzed!

I attended a Women on Fire (WOF) Tea Party and it was amazing!

The WOF Tea Party celebrated each woman, built a sense of sisterhood, embraced and encouraged collaboration, and intrinsically fostered authenticity. As soon as I arrived, I knew that I was in exactly the right place.

Stories were shared, connections were made, and women came together to celebrate each other and themselves. Not simply for self-indulgence or to bolster a friend, but to build a community and to renovate and redefine how success happens and what it looks like. Instead of competition, winning (thus implying that someone else loses), and clawing up the ladder of success, Women on Fire fosters each person's success through support. The entire tone and spirit of the night, fit me like a glove (and I am not talking an OJ Simpson glove, I am talking soft, warm, cashmere, perfectly-fitting glove)! It was wonderfully profound!

I SO am looking forward to my next WOF event!...but, I am hoping for better weather and/or a closer location :) If this sound at all interesting to you I highly reccomend checking out Women on Fire! WOF Tea Parties are located in various locations across the country - plus you can sign up for a FREE inspirational newsletter.

I must send a BIG thank you to Andrea and Jerry who lead the tea party with brilliance. And to Debbie Phillips who founded WOF. Also a shout out to Rosemary who is a wonderful connector.

Also, it would be important to note that I was not asked to write this post, nor was I compensated.
My experience at the WOF Tea Party was phenomenal and I just wanted to share!

Being fully alive!

2010-09-15T17:04:00.000-04:00

We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.
~Charles Schaefer

50% Off...Little Hands Artwork!

2010-09-14T14:22:00.003-04:00

As I have gone through this Search for Me in Mommy over the past 8 months, a lot has changed in my life. One big change, that I announced on this blog a few months ago, is that I started a business - Little Hands Artwork!

This morning, when I checked the Little Hands Artwork Facebook page, it had just hit 100+ "LIKES"!!!
So I am CELEBRATING by offering a spectacular deal!

Anyone who orders a program by 11:59pm on Saturday, September 18, 2010 will get 50% off any CANVAS PRINT!

Just go to www.LittleHandsArtwork.com and check out the 3 different programs...

The Studio (for up to 8 pieces of artwork)

The Gallery (for 9-12 pieces of artwork)

The Museum (for 13-15 pieces of artwork)

You don't need to choose the pieces of artwork you want to use nor have gather the masterpieces today...

After you order the program, the 50% off coupon will be emailed directly to you

and it doesn't expire until December 31, 2010.

You could use this discount for

Fall & Winter Birthdays...Christmas...Hanukkah...New Years Gifts

or simply treat yourself!

Happy Shopping!

Battle Banana

2010-09-13T10:10:00.006-04:00

I swore I wouldn't be that mom. I knew that my kids would be good eaters. Certainly if I just exposed them to all different kinds of food, they wouldn't be picky, whiny, or difficult at the dinner table.

Oh, Oh, Oh...I have SO eaten my words! I am a mom of picky-eaters! And, *gulp* that is incredibly hard to swallow!

They are SO picky, whiny, and fussy.

Most meals, I don't even like eating with them!

Recently my 4 year old has been incredibly challenging! It could be a perfectly prepared dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget, that he requested, and he will whine, "I don't want that..."

I refuse to be a short-order cook, knowing that I would just be encouraging the bad behavior. So, he sits, at the table with his plate of Stegosauruses, T-Rex's, and Iquanadons FUSSING.

And, I HAVE TO HEAR IT.

He's been sent to our "fussy chair" to settle down and returns to the table only to begin the fussing again.

When it first started, I thought perhaps he was sick, or perhaps he was just over-tired, or perhaps just cranky, or perhaps.... But the meal-time-cranks, have been going on for at least one month...and that is a conservative estimate.

So, my heels are dug in. And, the battle has begun. This morning, it is the Battle Banana!

The banana - THAT. HE. ASKED. FOR.

I know that the whining, crying, and fussing will only get worse, before it gets better.

I have gathered my gear - Patience (check), Strength (check), Focus (check) mixed with Love and Caring (check and check).

And, as he screams, for the 15th billion time "I don't want to eat my banana!"...I am trying to keep my anger in check.

Oh...and I have my MP3 player...

This time I might even have to use both ear buds!

Inspiration...

2010-09-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

Ring the bells that can still ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything.

That's how the light gets in.

~Leonard Cohen

A big thank you to Amy Ahlers and Christine Arylo who included this inspiration in their Inner Mean Girl Reform School curriculum. It reminds me to forget about perfection, and to embrace myself, cracks, flaws and all!

Your Night Blooming Cereus Moments...

2010-09-06T15:00:00.000-04:00

A week or so ago, a neighbor stop by around 8:30pm in the evening. He told my husband and I about a flower in his backyard. The Night Blooming Cereus is a unique plant that blooms one time a year, at night, and the flower only last one night. I was incredibly intrigued, so I grabbed my camera and headed over to witness this bizarre moment, compliments of Mother Nature.

When I first arrived, the flower was just beginning to open up.

And, about 45 minutes later, the flower had changed drastically...

Isn't it simply stunning?!!? Truly, a moment of brilliance!

This experience got me thinking more about moments of brillance - specifically of the human-kind.

While, the Night Blooming Cereus is bold, obvious, and beautiful, I think that our moments of brilliance are more subtle and quiet. Consequently, I think we have a hard time recognizing and celebrating our brilliance.

When is the last time you...

Pushed through a challenging moment and saw the glory on the other side?
Acted upon an inspired idea?
Authentically shared yourself and built a connection with another person?
Saw and encouraged the beauty and strength in someone else?
Saw and encouraged the beauty and strength in yourself?
Opened yourself up to new ideas, thoughts, and ways of doing things?
Believed in and stood up for yourself, despite the fear of rejection?
Failed, but continued to pursue and persist?
Purposely stepped out of your comfort zone?
Paid it forward?

Each of those times (plus many others) are your Night Blooming Cereus moments! Moments where you showed and shared your beauty, your strength, and your gifts.

Why not take this moment to celebrate yourself...

Half Marathon Training...Self-Sabotage

2010-09-03T17:34:00.000-04:00

We must be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.

~Unknown

ARGH! I have been the queen of self-sabotage this week.

Last week I did an 8 mile run/walk and it felt pretty good. Then a day or two later I went out and did just over 3 miles and it felt HORRIBLE and I had to walk at the end...WTF?!!? So between my "it's-the-first-week-of-school-for-the-kids excuse and not feeling positive or motivated, I have successfully done, basically, no training this week.

I know that I am doing this to myself... It's all mental...

I am overwhelmed by the concept of 13.1 miles
I am disappointed that my vision of training for this half marathon has not been my reality
I am frustrated that I haven't lost weight
And, I know that I didn't really change my eating habits...probably the main reason why I haven't lost weight
Plus, I have been trying to be in touch with my Inner Wisdom - but this week my Inner Mean Girl has camped out on my cranium, taking all other thoughts hostage and refuses to relinquish control...or maybe I am just being a little overly dramatic...

But the facts remain...I have paid my money, booked my flight, and hotel room, as has my husband, so regardless of my self-sabotage, I am doing this half marathon.

So I know I must move on - literally and figuratively. This weekend, I have promised myself that I am doing a long run...err, a long run/walk.

I'd like to say "wish me luck"...but really it more about me just getting out there and DO IT!

When you feel like destroying something that you have worked on or worked for or worked toward - that is a sign that there is a need to press harder, to do more, to go past previous boundaries. It also represents that you are at the edge of succeeding.
~Gillian MacBeth-Louthan

27 days until the Half Marathon!

No Hailrails

2010-09-02T14:52:00.000-04:00

Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day.

~Melody Beattie, "Finding Your Way Home"

Inner Wisdom - Nuggets of Goodness.

2010-08-31T12:25:00.002-04:00

As I have mentioned, I am doing an at-home course called Inner Mean Girl Reform School. One of the last lessons I did was about incorporating a "Daily Practice" into my routine. When I first heard about this, I wasn't so sure. But as learned more, I realized that I pretty much already had a "Daily Practice", I just hadn't thought about it as such.

Most days I find time to take a bath. Some days I use it to energize myself to start the day and other days I find myself needing to soak away my stress in the middle of the afternoon or evening. One piece that I realized was missing from my "Daily Practice" was making a conscious decision to take time, pause, and find a connection with my Inner Wisdom.

So I have been trying to incorporate my Inner Wisdom into my bath time. Recently I have closed my eyes and asked "What does my Inner Wisdom want me to know today?" and I have been pleasantly surprised about my insights. Some of the nuggets of goodness I heard include:

"Pauses move you forward."
"Sometimes, the silence of thought, is good."
"Love your body, it takes you places."
"Each day is a new day, each hour is a new hour, each moment is a new moment. You get to choose what to do with each."
"You are changeable."

I find it curious that my Inner Wisdom speaks to me in third person...perhaps I need to better identify my Inner Wisdom as the core of who I am... Interesting. I am going to have to think about that?!...

Anyway, another thing about my Inner Wisdom, is that she has a theme song. And, I find this very amusing, yet incredibly telling. Every time I have a chat with her, in the background of my brain, I hear The Eagles, A Peaceful Easy Feeling (with a few words changed).

"I've got a peaceful easy feeling, and I won't let you down.

Cuz' you're already standin' on the ground."

So today, I am thankful for the peaceful easy feeling and strength that my Inner Wisdom gives me.

My Inner Mean Girl Reform School posts include:

Introducing Catty Patty

Inner Mean Girl Reform School - Week 2

Cold and Heartless?!!?

2010-08-30T19:10:00.000-04:00

As the morning dawned, I knew that my oldest son was waking with butterflies in his stomach and feeling a mix of excitement, fear, and anticipation. It is his first day of kindergarten. Today he experiences many firsts - his bus ride to and from school, meeting new friends, eating lunch at school, having a locker, and much more. Being a kindergartner is a big deal! This is a new chapter in his life.

And a new chapter in our family's life.

As his mother, I also feel a change. At times, I have a hard time believing that my oldest child is five years old. What happened to the time? Wasn't he just learning to walk and talk yesterday? When did he get so big? Everyone told me, when my son was a baby, that time would move at warp speed. And, I have come to realize that "the days are long, but the years are short".* When thinking about the swiftness of the last five years, I feel a bit reminiscent and sentimental. I can not believe that my "baby" is a kindergartner!

But, I must confess...generally, I feel incredibly at ease and, dare I say, even a little thrilled, about this new chapter. When my son stepped on the bus this morning, I had no tears, nor was I sad. And, in the afternoon, after I dropped my other son off at preschool, I did a little happy dance in my head. "Woohooie!" I thought, "Freedom!", "ME Time!"

Mostly, I am fine with my response to these changes, but there is a small part of me, that wonders about my giddy state. As I happily skipped away from the bus stop and the school, I knew that other mothers were emotional. When I saw and heard about their tears I question myself. "Why did I not cry?", "Should I have been sad?", "Am I cold and heartless?". And there is also the guilt. When asked "Did you cry?", I feel pressure to respond affirmatively. When I don't, I feel that I have committed a crime on motherhood, and am left out of the lamenting and ensuing camaraderie that follows. I am left wondering if my membership card might soon be revoked.

Both of my sons have arrived home unscathed. They had a great time at school and were excited to tell me about their days. At this point my mom friends who, felt the pangs of sadness and shed tears are feeling better and, fortunately for me, have not disavowed our friendship. So I think that, my membership card will remain intact for at least another day.

This experience simply reminded me that, just as our children have their individual temperaments and quirks, moms have their unique reactions and responses to the various chapters of motherhood. And, most importantly, each is absolutely acceptable and very appropriate.

Happy Beginning of School, Moms - even the "cold and heartless" ones, like me ;)!

*thanks to Gretchen Rubin's book, The Happiness Project

Motherhood Video

2010-08-29T14:01:00.001-04:00

To celebrate the joys and challenges of motherhood, I made this video!

Enjoy!

Half Marathon Training...35 days to go.

2010-08-26T09:42:00.001-04:00

My half marathon training is continuing. As the race gets closer and closer I have tried to wrap my brain around 13.1 miles and, still it seems impossible.
Last night I did my long run...8 miles. Overall it felt good! And today, although I am stiff, I am not as sore as I had expected.

I have noticed a few things in the past few weeks...

1. Each time I am going for a run, especially when it is a long one, getting out the door is a challenge. I go to the bathroom at least 2 times, then I have to find my watch and my headphones, I stretch...and then I walk around the house...procrastinating... and, perhaps more the issue, feeling scared and overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. 8 miles felt daunting.

2. I need to reevaluate my expectations for the half marathon. Back in May when I decided to do it, I envisioned myself running at just over a 10 minute mile pace the entire 13.1 miles. My training has proved I am not going to be that fast. My pace for 3-4 miles runs is between 12 and 13 minute miles and for long runs between 14 and 15. And, I think I need to be OK with walking at some points. With only 35 days to go and since the longest run I have done is 8 miles, reality is beginning to set in. So I need to figure out my new half marathon reality.

3. I have a horrible habit of comparing myself to everyone else and that is most often deflating. I am reading the book, Run Like a Mother (thanks Eternal Lizdom for recommending it!) and I have gotten some great tips...but I can't help but to be discouraged the author put quotes around the word "run" explaining that it was merely a 12 minute mile. And then I think, "Hell, I would be thrilled with 12 minute miles right now!". Logically, I know that the author is a multiple marathon runner and has been training for years and to compare is INCREDIBLY unfair to me, but my initial reaction is on of inadequacy and fraudulency.

Only 35 days to go...and some long runs ahead. I am scared, but optimistic. And as always...

I'd love any suggestions or thoughts that you may have!

Feeding the Soul

2010-08-24T17:28:00.002-04:00

Sometimes...
It's good to get away and spend a few days...

in a place that is different from home.

Seeing sights that are atypical

and surprisingly breathtaking.

Hearing foreign chatter

and the clippity clop of a different way of life.

Taking in the fresh air.

Noticing the beauty of simplicity.

Experiencing the joy

and wonder of childhood.

Feeds the soul!

Thanks friend!

Inner Mean Girl Reform School - Week 2

2010-08-20T15:08:00.000-04:00

During Week 1 of Inner Mean Girl Reform School, I met Catty Patty...my Inner Mean Girl (IMG).

Week 2 was all about getting to know my Inner Wisdom.

The week's goal was to listen to what Catty Patty was saying to me, and then close my eyes and ask "What does my Inner Wisdom know?" For instance, Catty Patty often appears when I am thinking about going for a run. She is quick to say "Let's not go!", "You can't run that far." and "You can do it tomorrow." When I close my eyes and listen to my Inner Wisdom, instead, I hear "I can do it and - damnit - I am worth being healthy and strong!" and "Go, just do it!".

Surprisingly, my Inner Wisdom voice seems much more calm, and reserved than my screaming, pushy IMG. So, while I am able to hear my Inner Wisdom, sometimes it is still such a battle to do what I know is best. Times when I didn't follow my Inner Wisdom, Catty Patty, would add salt to my wound by adding "See, I told you, you can't do it!".

I am learning! I know that I need to give my Inner Wisdom - the BEST me - a more powerful, strong voice.

By, saying, out loud,

"I can do it!"
"I am strong!"
"I am poweful!"
"I am worth it!"

I am beginning to feel my strength!

Creating YOUR Life

2010-08-18T14:11:00.001-04:00

“Whatever you create in your life you must first create in your imagination.”

~Tycho Photiou

Half Marathon Training...Facing Fears

2010-08-17T14:39:00.003-04:00

The Disney Half Marathon Wine and Dine is in just 44 days and I am CRAZY scared!

Two weeks ago we were on a family vacation and my workouts were horrible. It was hot, humid, and I was incredibly sluggish. One of my runs was only 2 miles and I even had to stop and walk for part of it and none my other runs on vacation felt even a little good. So, for the past two weeks the training has felt like a losing battle. When I have a bad run, I begin to question IF I can ever do it and I feel overwhelmed by the distance (or lack of distance) and the speed (or lack of speed), and want to just plain quit. I know that it is SO mental and am more and more understanding why many people say that it is 90% mental and the rest is physical.

It is FEAR.

Fear of not being successful.
Fear of feeling like a fraud, because no matter how much I try to convice myself differently, I do not identify as a "runner" or an "athlete".
The fear of how I will feel as my insecurities are tested at the race when I am surrounded by thinner, faster, more fit, "real" runners.
Fear of the pain I will feel, both mental an physical.
Fear of feeling like the "fat" girl.
Fear of failure.
Fear of not having fun because I let my mind and negative thoughts determine my experience.
Fear that I will not be able to run 13.1 miles.

And, I know that "Fear is an acronym in the English language for ' False Evidence Appearing Real'"* and that I need to face these fears to remove their debilitating power.

I am not exactly sure how to face them...but I think I need to...

continue to train, even when I am afraid that I can't make the distance, especially during my long runs.
shift my negative self-talk, (My Inner Mean Girl, Catty Patty) by repeating my running affirmations "I am powerful!" "I am stong!" "I can do this!" "I am worth it!" and repeat while running, as needed.
remind myself that this is MY race and comparing myself to ANYONE is a true disservice to ME.
embrace me, as I am. (To realized that..."Yes, I am overweight and 41 years old and not typically an athlete, but I am doing this and I deserve to feel proud of myself!")
accept that there will be workouts that aren't great, but one day does not make me a failure.
celebrate and feel joy! (This is hard for me to do)

That is my plan...and it feels pretty good right now.

This week my training schedule is to do three 3-4 mile and a 7 miles run. Wish me luck!

*quote credit: Neale Donald Walsch

Women on Fire

2010-08-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

I have found my spark and my match has been lit. It is very exciting and I have been so inspired because of a wonderful organization called Women on Fire founded by Debbie Phillips.

Women on Fire is an amazingly uplifting organization that brings women together and offers inspiration, strategies, and support. Recently I listened, again, to 7 Mistakes Preventing You From Being a Woman on Fire! CD, and was encouraged and optimistic about me and my journey! So I thought I would share with you the 7 Mistakes that Debbie has identified:

Mistake 1: Failure to cheer on the successes of other women

Mistake 2: Not asking for help

Mistake 3: Not investing in self and your potential

Mistake 4: Having a lack of awareness on your powerful impact on others

Mistake 5: Forgetting to appreciate, honor, credit, and celebrate those who have helped you along your path

Mistake 6: Not stepping into your own brilliance and playing small

Mistake 7: Comparing yourself to anyone

I know that each mistake I have made – some, a few thousand times – but instead of feeling defeated, the CD was thought-provoking and I was energized to learn from my mistakes.

photo credit: livewellstressless.info

Perhaps most notably for me, is mistake number six. Playing small and blending into the background was like an old, very worn, tattered, sweatshirt that I once cherished. For years, I knew it was time to throw it away, but I couldn’t. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. It was my go-to shirt when I had a bad day, or felt overwhelmed, or cranky. I could curl up in it and hide. It was oddly reassuring and way too comfortable to get rid of it. Or so I thought. I ignored that it was full of holes, ripped in various places, frayed at the ends and had been stretched out so much that it no longer fit me. And then one day, after a few comments from my husband about my raggedy attire, I realized that he was right and the sweatshirt went out with the trash. The garb had served its purpose, but it no longer fit me. Similarly, I am beginning to realize that playing small, while it definitely has had a principal role in my life, no longer suits me and who I want to become. So I am proud to say that step by step, I am moving away from the “small me” and one day, soon, I will confidently walk into my own brilliance.

According to Debbie, a Woman on Fire is “someone who is safe enough and aware enough that she can authentically live from her heart. She is in touch with ‘what is it I am in this world to do and am I on my path to doing that?’” I know I am not yet on fire…but have started my kindling.

Thanks Debbie!

*It important for me to let you know that I wanted to share my thoughts about Women on Fire because I have had such a wonderful experience and have learned so much. No one asked me to write this, nor have I been compensated in any way.

Breathe.

2010-08-12T17:15:00.000-04:00

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

~Oprah Winfrey

Vacation Bliss!

2010-08-11T09:03:00.003-04:00

Last week we had our family vacation in North Carolina's Crystal Coast.

It was blissful!

We visited my parents and both of my brothers and my niece joined us!

The cousins loved hanging out together!

We went crabbing and clamming at the NC Aquarium...

And even caught some big enough to take home...YUMMY!

We had lots of Beach Time...

digging in the sand,

riding the waves,

swimming in the ocean,

and simply relaxing!

I even got to spend my birthday...

watching the dolphins on a 42' catamaran!

It was truly an amazing vacation!

But what I love most...

were the memories that were made!

Introducing Catty Patty

2010-08-10T17:11:00.001-04:00

I would like you to meet Catty Patty.

She is a Bitch!

She often tells me that I am nothing special and lets me know, in her subtle way, that most of what I do is NOT “good enough”. She’s skinnier than me, beautiful, and seemingly incredibly confident. When I am faced with a challenge, she tells me that I can’t succeed and encourages me to quit. When walking down a street together, she constantly compares me to others. She’ll tell me that I am fatter, or not as attractive, or plainer than other women. And, sometimes, when I think Catty Patty’s being nice, she points out someone else’s flaws, decides that I am “better”, and I almost like her. Other times, she simply compares me to my past self. When I decide to try to lose weight, or eat healthier, or change a bad habit, she reminds me of all the times I have failed in the past. And worst of all, she is a big-time “should-er”. Constantly telling me I should be thinner and healthier, and I should run farther, be faster, exercise more and I should be a better mom, friend, wife, and sister, and I should do and know more, and I should…(the list seems infinite).

I don’t really like her, yet she almost always with me. When I tell her to leave, she goes away, for a little while. But, before I know it she has crept back into my life, sharing her mean thoughts, eroding my confidence, and getting in the way of my dreams.

Although she has been around, seemingly, forever, I was just introduced to her, this week, at Reform School…Inner Mean Girl Reform School…and, yep, Catty Patty is my Inner Mean Girl.

Inner Mean Girl Reform School; Where Women Come to Transform Inner Critics Into Inner Superheroines, created by Amy Ahlers* and Christine Arylo* is a 10 week self-directed course filled with audio classes, worksheets, introspective activities, and self-discovery. This is my first week of class, and I am so excited about this experience. During the first week I was instructed to get to know my Inner Mean Girl.

And, I feel like I am starting getting to know her. I have identified that Catty Patty is a perfectionist and loves comparisons. She rears her ugly head when I am trying on clothes in the department store dressing room, and when I need to look good for an event. When I am trying to something new, like training for a half marathon, she appears just when I at the cusp of being successful. Catty Patty even arrives when I am successfully accomplishing a goal, telling me that my triumph wasn’t that special and ruining my celebrations. And, of course, she is sure to be around when life isn’t going well, often encouraging me to isolate myself.

Catty Patty is the one inside my head who beats me up and brings me down. But, surprisingly, it is nice to meet her. Giving that voice a name and separating her from me is incredibly powerful!

Suddenly, her thoughts do not have to be my thoughts and her words do not have to be truths!

I know that this is just the beginning of this journey of transforming my relationship with my inner critic and I am looking forward to the rest of the experience.

Who's your inner mean girl?

*It is important to note that I have not been asked to share my experiences with Inner Mean Girl Reform School nor am I receiving any compensation. In fact, I have never met or talked to Amy or Christine. I am simply having a great experience and wanted to share.

I'm Back!

2010-08-09T08:00:00.003-04:00

Throughout the summer, I took a bit of a blogging hiatus. But I and SO excited to be back!

Without my blog…
I stayed in my comfort zone and did not challenging myself and became complacent. My commitment to “finding myself” was gone and, instead, I found myself in a funk of indifference.

But in the past few weeks, as I realized all that I was missing, I started getting more and more interested, again, in challenging and improving myself. There are so many topics that I look forward to exploring during my renewed Search of Me in Mommy. They include…

My experiences with Inner Mean Girl Reform School that I started this past weekend! I hope to better understand how to tame my negative self talk that, currently, I am drowning in.
My fear of failure…perhaps most recently evident in my half marathon training, but surrounds me in most of my life decisions and choices.
Women on Fire…I am SO inspired and am beginning to find my own little spark.
Motivating Other Moms...a wonderful place - that is as it should be everywhere - Moms supporting, and encouraging other moms!
And, of course, Motherhood…the good, the bad, and the evil.
Plus much more!

I am very feeling so motivated and invigorated! I hope you will join me - maybe we can learn together!

I miss it!

2010-08-01T12:31:00.000-04:00

So...I have been waffling and not very consistent on my blog. It all started with summer. I have stopped reading most blogs that I follow, my posts have been sporadic at best and my mind has been elsewhere. Things got crazy, I got busy and was having a hard time figuring out what to write about.

And guess what - I miss it! I miss In Search of Me in Mommy!

I miss the commitment to improving myself. I miss the schedule of "needing" post 5-6 times a week, as that is something exclusively mine. I miss reading other people's thoughts and being inspired. I miss getting comments and hearing other's thoughts and ideas. I miss the art taking jumbled thoughts and emotions and putting it together in to words, stories, and releasing wonderful Aha moments in to the blogosphere...

So, mark you calendars - or at least I will mark mine - on Monday, August 9, 2010 upon returning from a vacation In Search of Me in Mommy will be back.

YEAH!

Half Marathon Training Week 8 and 9

2010-07-27T12:00:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss in updating my blog about my half marathon training. So here is a review of the past 2 weeks.

Week 8 was horrid! I was overwhelmed and felt sluggish, slow, and lazy. My workouts were:

Monday 7/12/10 Run - VBS to Mill Stream to home - 4.02 miles 13:49 pace

Felt good - first run outside that far.

Thursday 7/15/10 Run - Treadmill - 3 miles 12:39 pace

I missed 2 days prior and it was hard to get back - but I did.

Saturday 7/17/10 Run/Walk - Fort Hill Loop Trail - 4.5 miles 13:46 pace
After climbing 136 stairs I ran/walked the off road dirt trail - 6 times around the loop - distance is estimated. Hot, hot, hot...and humid. It was fun to do a trail - something different!

Week 9 I kicked ass! I figured that I need to just simply (if only it was simple) DO IT! So, I did! (21.25 miles to be exact)

Monday 7/19/10 Run - Treadmill 5 miles 13:02 pace
Felt GREAT! I thought that I would NEVER get past 4 miles...but I did and I felt POWERFUL! Yeah!

Tuesday 7/20/10 Run - Treadmill 3 miles 12:20 pace
Good Run!

Thursday 7/22/10 Run - Treadmill - 3 miles 12:35 pace
I felt slow and stiff...my legs felt like bricks.

Saturday 7/24/10 Run - Lake to Lake to Bagley to Front - 3.3 miles 14:03 pace
Hot, Hot, Hot...Humid - it felt like I had been transported into a tropical rainforest. Slow, but did it.

Sunday 7/25/10 Run/Walk - Lake to Lake to Big Creek to Main St. - 6.85 miles 14:13 pace
I planning to do a 6 mile loop - but when I got home, I mapped it, because of a road closed, it ended up being 6.85 miles. It was hard and I was so SORE that night - but the next day the achiness was pretty much gone! And it was such a high to accomplish a distance that I have NEVER done before!

I am finding that SO much of this is mental. Overcoming my negative self-talk and feeling overwhelmed is truly the biggest hurdles!

If anyone has any tips about creating a positve mental attitude for my training, please share!

Big Boy Bliss

2010-07-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday,

our road was paved

and my boys experienced pure BLISS!!!!

Although it was a bit noisy,

both boys loved watching the construction trucks!

Owen had a blast playing with his trucks, mimicking the construction crew at work.

While, Alex was simply fascinated and mesmerized!

He just sat there studying all the activity,

taking it all in!

It was truly

Big Boy Bliss!

Half Marathon Training - Week 7 & a Rant

2010-07-12T20:11:00.002-04:00

This week I felt pretty good about my workouts. I really thought I did another run...but I didn't log it into DailyMile.com and I can't remember the details - so I guess I didn't...? Anyway...here is what I logged.

07/10/10 Running Mill Stream Reservation... 3.? miles
Crazy run...I my oldest son rode his bike and I ran in the Metroparks. We had just turned around to head back home and his pedal fell off - 3 times! So I called my husband who picked up my son and his bike so I could finish my run. Which was great... until I realized that my cell phone and my car keys were in my son's pocket. So I stranded myself in the park. Thank God for a stranger and his cell phone!

07/08/10 Run - Treadmill 4 miles 13:00 pace

Great run...I felt oddly powerful!

07/08/10 Bike - at gym 8 miles 9.6mph pace
I was planning to run...but I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in years so I decided to bike and chat.

07/06/10 Run - Treadmill 3 miles 13:20 pace
Felt pretty good!

OK, and now my RANT!

So...on Tuesday, I went to the mall, specifically to Dick's Sporting Goods, to get two things, that I thought would be relatively simply.

The first items were a couple pairs of shorts to run in. I have conceded that to prevent wedgies and crotch chaffing, that I need to wear the incredibly unattractive lycra/spandex shorts. As I have said before, I am not skinny, so I do know that it is not attractive to have fat-girl in some skin tight shiny material jogging next to you on the jogging paths or in local gyms on treadmills. But, to my credit, I am running, albeit, ever so slowly, so that my muffin top recedes and my thighs and ass jiggle less. However, in the world according to Dick's Sporting Goods, large asses, fuller size muffin tops guts, and bodacious boobs (which is a whole other rant, that I will not get into now) are not permitted to exercise - BECAUSE there are NO F-ing workout clothes that are appropriate for anyone over a size 12 or 14. I found ONE pair of shorts, in the entire store, that would work for me. And, that store is HUGE (if you don't know about Dick's, it is the Home Depot of sporting goods)! Grrr...I walked out feeling deflated and frustrated.

The second item I went to get, I have avoided getting because I hate what I have heard people call it..."Chub Rub". But, after running last week and getting two large spots of raw skin from my bra and a few other red, painful marks on my inner thighs, I sucked it up and decided to get some magical potion. I was hopeful that it would prevent and heal these horrific violations to my skin (and ego) and was pointed in the direction of "Body Glide". I bought it and have used it a few times...and you know what?!!? I think it works! So, three cheer for Chub Rub!

The last part of my post today are my goals...

5 miles of run/walk - with more walk than run.
4 running workouts of 3 miles or more.

Alright...I guess that is it. Running more than 4 miles seems daunting, so wish me luck!

Marinating

2010-07-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

I started this blog over six months ago with the mission to find myself and learn a little bit more about who I am beyond a mom and a wife. And I dove head first into the journey. I read voraciously and delved into my soul to find answers to some hard questions. It was six months of purposely searching for me in mommy! I grew, I learned, I had some wonderful Aha moments, and I faced some painful issues, made some grand decisions, and even found pieces of me.

All in all, it felt wonderfully revealing and amazingly insightful!

And, for the past month, or so, I have felt all fizzled out.

I have, often, sat at my computer, wanting to post some insightful prose, but instead felt empty. Not empty, in a disparaging, hopeless way but instead in an "all tapped out" way. I had no more Jack Handy deep thoughts to give.

Typically in similar situations I would beat myself up, questioning my commitment, feeling guilty about not having the goods, and condemning my inability to meet a self-imposed expectation. Instead, I examined the validity of the expectation and I realized something paramount about this journey.

In a search for self, there are times for contentment and absorption of lesson learned. These times are just as important, and perhaps even more valuable than the actual examination, probing, and pursuit.

So for now, I am marinating in the juices of my aha moments and lessons learned.

Still on the search, but perhaps at a slower, more tranquil pace.

Check out this "Mom's Rhapsody"

2010-07-06T19:09:00.000-04:00

This is SO funny, I just had to share it!

Half Marathon Training - Week 6 (a day late)

2010-07-06T17:40:00.000-04:00

This week I'm all messed up because today feels like Monday, since yesterday was a "holiday!" So...I am a day late with my half marathon training report.

This past weeks was not great. I got some runs in - but they weren't as good as I would of liked. I got in 11.63 miles.

6/29/10 Run ~ Lake to Lake Trail ~ 3 miles ~ 12:22 pace
This run felt GREAT! I did it in between two big thunderstorms and when I finished I was on top of the world!

7/01/10 Run ~ Neighborhood ~ 2.3 miles ~ 15:13 pace
This run felt like a chore.

7/02/10 Run ~ Around Coe Lake ~ 2.33 ~ 13:47 pace
I did this while my boys had swimming lessons and it felt pretty good.

7/04/10 Run/Walk ~ Lake to Lake Trail to Duck Bridge 4 miles ~ 15:30 pace
I felt slow. I wanted to run the entire 4 miles, but it was hot, humid and I started to feel awful so I had to walk some of the second half.

As for my weekly goals - I accomplished one; running 4 days during the week. But, I didn't accomplish running 4 miles without walking, so that will be added to this weeks goals.

So, my goals for this week are:

Run 4 mile without walking.
Run 4 times with week, with no run less than 3 miles.

I think I can accomplish these.

Ok...in other things, I am excited about a few blog posts that I am planning to do this week. Lately, I have had a hard time figuring out what to write and my posts have been not as good as I would like. BUT, recently I have had some great ideas swirling around in my head and I think I am getting back on track.

Happy Birthday America!

2010-07-04T15:40:00.000-04:00

Summer time's biggest day,
Honoring the USA.

Festivals with ferris wheels,
Parades with ancient automobiles,
Baby kissing politicians,
Scores of marching musicians,
Veterans wearing shiny medals,
Decorated bikes that toddlers pedal,
Charcoal burning fills the air,
And fireworks on Public Square.

Knowing that our freedom's strong,
We embrace this land were all belong!

__________________________________________________

Happy Fourth of JULY!

Toughskin Bitch

2010-07-02T20:41:00.001-04:00

When I was in Middle School designer jeans were all the rage! If you were anyone, you had Gloria Vanderbilts, Calvin Kleins, Jordache or Ooh La La Sasson jeans. Some girls in my class had multiple pairs and were able to paint on a fresh, clean pair everyday of the week. Others only had a couple pairs – but wore them with pride as often as possible. And still others, just had a single pair, perhaps even just a lucky hand-me down, but nonetheless they were able to parade around the halls haughtily wearing their denim gold.

I had none.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want them. Nor was it because of a lack of begging and pleading with my parents – because I whined about it like a champion. But my mother simply could not see paying hundreds of dollars (ok, it was probably only $50…but I remember them costing a virtual fortune) for jeans that I would grow out of in less than a year. And so, I was one of the only non-designer-jean-wearing girls in my class.

As I started Middle School, in my *gasp* Toughskin jeans, I was not too concerned about the jean craze. All through the previous grade, I was close friends with Lisa* and Jen* and as we entered middle school, our camaraderie continued. As in most schools, lunchtime was an important hour filled with social goodness! The three of us chatted, gossiped, flirted, hung out, met kids from the other elementary schools and our circle of friends grew. I was a part of a fun group of friends and was enjoying my first year in middle school – even without the designer duds.

One day sometime in the early spring, just before heading to lunch, I stopped at my locker and found a note. After briefly scanning the two pages and noticing that it was not signed, I grabbed the anonymous note, ran into the bathroom, and in a stall, I scoured over the words. The note, in a familiar handwriting, told me that I “was not needed or wanted at our lunch table” and ended by calling to me a “Toughskin Bitch!”

I do not remember exactly what happened during the remainder of that day, but I do know that I was hurt and confused. The next couple of days I feigned sickness and stayed home. I remember comparing the words on the note to other notes that I had from Lisa, and wondered if she had written those words. Not wanting to believe it, I called Lisa and, in my fifth-grade-way, confronted her. She denied it. But I knew the truth. The handwriting was too similar.

Sometime during my days home from school, I told my mother the gist of what had happened. She listened, allowed me to be sad and empathized for me.

And, we went shopping.

She stuck with her refusal to buy designer jeans, but she understood that Toughskins were just simply uncool and we found a compromise.

The next day I returned to school, in my new Lee jeans and never sat at that lunch table or wore Toughskins again. I was welcomed to another table and began to integrate into a new circle of friends.

Until high school graduation, Lisa and Jen were still peripherally in my life. We were involved in similar extracurricular activities and had mutual friends. When we found ourselves together, we would politely ignore each other and move on. While the pain dulled, I always felt a twinge of sadness and confusion about the end of the friendship. I could not believe that denim had anything to do with the falling out, but I had no idea what did.

I also do not think that Lisa and Jen were “mean girls”. They were not regularly cruel, unkind, or nasty to others. I am not sure why, on that spring day in fifth grade, it was decided to eradicate me from their circle of friends. But it happened. And, as they say, that’s life.

I was impacted by the incident. My self-esteem was bruised and my confidence in friendships was challenged, but it did not scar me for life. Throughout high school, college, grad school, and my various jobs I made friends easily.

So today, almost 30 years later, I think back to that incident and am reminded how painful growing up can be. But I also know that such experiences build character and teach important lessons. In August, as my oldest son heads off to full-day kindergarten, I know that his influences and lessons are becoming more and more communal. His teachers, peers, and others are going to make their marks on his life and I can not prevent the bumps and bruises that happen along the way.

And that is scary.

But, what I do know is that I can listen and be there for him, and hopefully help him figure out the best way to apply bandages, use medicine, and heal from those character building experiences.

*names have been changed.

Happiness is...

2010-06-30T20:59:00.001-04:00

a day at the pool!

You know you need time to yourself when...

2010-06-29T21:43:00.000-04:00

The song stuck in your head is only heard on PBS Kids.
At 9:00am, you're ready for a glass of wine.
Your dentist appointment and teeth cleaning feels like spa time.
Curse words slip off your tongue a little too easily.
You actually consider eating chicken nuggets with ketchup.
It has been at least 3 months since you've been able to use the bathroom without interruption.
The man in the yellow hat is the only adult you've talked to all day.
You're mesmerized by Baby Einstein.
Going to Mommy and Me classes are the highlight of the week.
The only traveling you get to do is on the Dinosaur Train.
You are beginning to think that Hard Hat Harry is sexy.

Let's keep the list going... YOUR TURN!

Half Marathon Training - Week 5

2010-06-28T20:31:00.000-04:00

My Half Marathon training continues...

This week, I logged 11.69 miles.

6/22/10 Treadmill Run

3.02 miles 13:34 pace

6/23/10 Rocky River Reservation Walk

3 miles 16:00 pace

6/26/10 - Neighborhood Run

2.3 miles 13:15 pace

6/27/10 - Lake To Lake/Bagley/Front Run

3.37miles 13:27 pace

And, I accomplished the goals I set for last week.

For my first goal of running 3 miles without walking, I did better than I expected! I accomplished it two times!!!!! YEAH me! The first time was on the treadmill at the gym, and then yesterday evening, in between thunderstorms, I ran 3.37 miles! I was THRILLED! For a moment during that run, I felt "IT" - that "Yep, I know I can do this!" confidence and 13.1 miles seemed possible! THAT was an amazing feeling!
My second goal, of getting a stretching routine, I accomplished...but just barely. Last night, I did a google search and found a series of stretches for runners that I liked. Now I just have to use it.

And, since the goals worked so well for me - I am going to set goals for this week.

Goal 1: Run 4 miles ~ No stopping to walk.
Goal 2: Run at least 4 times during the week.

And to close...last Tuesday I mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers (again) and after one week of counting points and being more conscious of what I put in my mouth, I lost 4.4 pounds. And if you'll indulge me for a vain yet quick celebration ....WOOOHOOIE to ME!!!!!!!

Thanks ;)

Kids Make the Darndest Things...

2010-06-25T10:21:00.000-04:00

Today I am participating in Kids Make the Darndest Things hosted by Jen at Buried with Children.

My eldest son's (age 4, at the time) favorite lesson this last year at school, was all about space and the solar system. I was going through his artwork and found a book that he made while they were studying it...

The Earth

The Sun

Purple Comet

Blue Planet

This lesson happened way back in September '09 and he is still obsessed with the solar system, space, and...
Jimmy Dean commercials!

VIDEO for LittleHandsArtwork.com

2010-06-22T22:20:00.010-04:00

Yippee!!!!!!
I am so excited to share the first video for LittleHandsArtwork.com
I made it today, and I'm pretty happy about how it turned out!
So, with no further ado...

Here is the Premier of
The Story of Little Hands Artwork!

Half Marathon Training - Week 4...Little Goals

2010-06-21T13:08:00.001-04:00

This week I felt good about the time I have put in. I have been logging all of my workouts on dailymile.com (which I LOVE...it gives me my stats, and pace + so much more!) And this past week here is what I have logged.

06/14: Ran/Walk 1.5 mi

06/15: Ran/Walk 2.6 mi
06/16: Walked 3 mi

06/18: Ran/Walk 2.26 mi pace 13:16
06/18: Walked 2.26 mi
06/20: Rode 8.7 mi
06/20: Ran/Walk 2.6 mi pace 13:46

Overall it was a good week. Except for a blister - which was simply annoying - I felt pretty good. I am thinking that setting little goals for a week might be helpful.

So, This week here are my "little goals"...

Run 3 miles without walking. Each run, I envision running for a longer distance than I actually do. I find that I am winded, or achy so I stop for a walking breather - but once I walk, I am more apt to walk again, and again, and again... And then my pace is slow and I get frustrated. So much of it is mental and I just need to push past my urge to walk.
Get a stretching routine. My run last night was hard. I felt stiff the entire run. Some of that soreness was because I went for a long bike ride (pulling a kid and a bike trailer) earlier that day - but it has happened other times too. So, I know that more and better stretching would help a TONS!

I think if I can accomplish those 2 things this week, it'll be helpful!

ps...if you are on dailymile.com search for "Kim Cleveland" and friend me. It's a great accountability tool!

Humble pie.

2010-06-20T09:00:00.001-04:00

I opened the door and immediately I was humbled. And, feeling, self-conscious and a wee bit embarassed that I was back... But, it was time to face it and this was the place that I could no longer have any denial - not even an itty-bitty speck.

The last time I was there, I was feeling strong, capable, and confident.

I thought it would continue.

I thought it would prevail.

But it didn't - I failed. And facing this failure is a big fat dose of humble-pie.

And, I know I should feel good about returning...I'm just not quite there yet.

But I'm back and ready to begin again. I am ready to do the work. And next week, when I walk through that door, my strength and confidence will begin to reappear. Because I know, when I step up on thatscale, I will lose...

and that will feel GREAT!

Best Job Ever!

2010-06-18T16:15:00.000-04:00

It's moments like this...

That reminds me that I have the BEST job ever!

Important Health Warning...

2010-06-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I got an important email...

LOL...it was too funny - I just had to share it!

Have a Happy Day!

Mommy's Spent

2010-06-15T21:31:00.000-04:00

Silence is my dream
If the noise continues I am going to scream!

Stop the crying and irritating sighing
No brawling or name calling
No spaceship blasting off, Not even a cough!

And please NO
Whining or pretend coal mining,
Dinosaurs roars or beanbag wars,
Car zooming or truck vrooming

No talking - at all
No matter how small!

Mommy needs a moment
I am, oh so spent!

It was one of "those" days. Thank God, tomorrow is a new day!

Half Marathon Training - Week 3 & Motivation

2010-06-14T20:06:00.001-04:00

This past week was hard. My week was crazy with the boys having their last week of school and related activities, plus getting ready to host a family luncheon on Saturday, and unfortunately the first thing that I dropped was running, and the second thing was eating healthy. So needless to say, I lost a bit of my mojo!

Yesterday, I found some of my mojo and went for a run in the park, while the boys were my biking "pace cars" for the 2.3 miles. And this evening, I went for a short run - only about 1.5 miles - but nonetheless, I got out there.

I find myself struggling with motivation to simply get out and run. So I decided to look for a few quotes for inspiration and here are three that "spoke" to me.

Running is a big question mark that’s there each and every day. It asks you, “Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?”

- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

Movement is a medicine for creating change

in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states.
-Carol Welch

It's not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.

– Anon

What words inspire and motivated you?

A Grandma's Great Legacy

2010-06-13T14:31:00.002-04:00

My husband's grandma recently passed away and this weekend we attended to her memorial service. Her death, at the age of 96, really made me think about life, family, and legacy.

In her lifetime, she raised five children, buried two husbands, a son and two grandsons, was a part of fifteen grandchildren's lives, became a great-grandma over thirty times, and a great-great grandmother over ten times.

I first met her, when I was engaged to my husband and she, in her late 80's, was full of energy and love. She greeted me with a huge hug, and even though she called me "Beth" (her great-grandson's fiance and about my age) more times than I could count, I felt genuinely welcomed into the family.

When my sons were born, she (in her 90's) would get down onto the floor cooed, talked to and play with them. My baby boys were mesmerized by her. As they grew, they were always thrilled when great grandma would come to visit, because she showered them with undivided attention. As I watched her interact with my boys, I was always in awe! It was wondrous and heart-warming to witness my boys experiencing her true, genuine, unconditional love.

At the memorial service, I heard time and time again, from her daughters, and granddaughters that she taught them "how to be a wonderful grandmother."

And she was truly, a spectacular example of an amazing, caring, loving grandmother!

I'm not sure if I could think of a better legacy!

Thanks for...

2010-06-10T21:33:00.000-04:00

Today I am thankful for the Bravo NYC Housewives...

for the laughter, craziness, and my little voyeuristic fix.

Great thought...

2010-06-09T22:42:00.003-04:00

Be kind to your shadow.

~Rebecca Lawless

Average-ness

2010-06-08T21:36:00.004-04:00

Right now I am struggling with my average-ness.

According to Yahoo Thesaurus Average means...

"Being of no special quality or type: common, commonplace, cut-and-dried, formulaic, garden, garden-variety, indifferent, mediocre, ordinary, plain, routine, run-of-the-mill, standard, stock, undistinguished, unexceptional, unremarkable."

When I was growing up I seemed, well, average.

I graduated smack-dab in the middle of my graduating class - a solid C or C+ student.
I wasn't popular - but I had friends and was likable enough.
I didn't excel at anything in particular...I tried out for track, but instead of running, I was asked to be the team manager. I was on flagline, but not a captain. I played the musical instruments, but was in concert band, not symphonic.
I wasn't in honors classes - but I did not have to take remedial courses... (I could go on...)

And I embraced my average-ness. I became good finding my place somewhere in the middle - in between the wondrous shining stars and the in-different f-ups of the world. I feel comfortable being behind the scenes, and am skilled at blending into the background. When faced with a situation when I need to be in the spotlight, I manage and am successful, but feel relieved when the heat of the light is gone. I know enough about a lot, but not too much to be an "expert" about anything.

Because I defined myself as average.

I'm not so sure if I want to embrace my average-ness anymore. I think, perhaps, I am hiding behind it. And, that it is holding me back from more.

But, you know what? ...It seems to be so ingrained in who I am, that I feel completely, utterly, clueless about how to proceed.

So, I guess, for now, I'll just take the time to live in and experience this place - the space between the realization of a flawed definition of self and the revealing of a new me.

Half Marathon Training - Week 2 & Race Day Jitters

2010-06-07T18:21:00.000-04:00

Training this past week, actually, went pretty well. I logged 12 miles including a race yesterday - the CIC Run/Walk for Humanity. It was a 3 mile race on Catawba Island - which is in Ohio on Lake Erie. It was a windy day, but the temperature was in the low 70's, so between the weather, the boats, the views of Lake Erie, and the beautiful houses, it turned out to be a fun run. I ended up finishing around 37:30 - which, considering I ran/walked it, I was pleased. My husband also ran...and he kicked some major butt, finishing in just over 24 minutes.

Since yesterday, I have been thinking a lot about race day jitters. Or, perhaps a better term, for me, would be "race day loonies!" I am absolutely no fun to be around within an hour or so before a race (just ask my husband...). The morning of the race, I was hopeful that it would be cancelled (since we had horrific thunderstorms and tornado warnings earlier that morning), and when I realized that the race was "on", my stomach got queasy, I got crabby, and well...I had a bit of the runs. It was not pleasant. As my poor husband and I walked to the race starting area, I whined, moaned, and groaned about my stomach, the port-a-potty, the wind, the ten drops of rain that hit me, and everything else I could think of. As the starting time got closer, I predicted that I would be the last runner to finish and complained about feeling fat, and out-of-shape. I looked around and saw all these athletes, and in my head I heard the tune, "One of these things, is not like the others. One of these thing just doesn't belong." and I thought, "What in the HELL am I doing here?"

But, since I have done a few races before and experienced these same feelings, I knew that all of "that" - those feelings and grumpiness - was simply anticipation and adrenaline and after about the first 100 feet of running, "that" would go away. And, it did.

After the race, while my husband and I were cooling down, I said, "I need to figure out how to not be so crabby before a race." To which my hubbie so kindly said "Yes. You. Do!" And that made me consider that perhaps there is better way to deal with the anticipation and adrenaline. So this week, while training, I am going to think how I can make my "race day loonies", not so loony!

How do you deal with your race day jitters?

THE BIG REVEAL...LittleHandsArtwork.com

2010-06-04T15:18:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I blogged about my harebrained idea...and I am SO excited for
today's BIG REVEAL of my new online business!

(drum roll please...)

Introducing...

LittleHandsArtwork.com

Where your child's Artwork is the STAR!

Turn Your Child's Artwork Into:
• Notecards • Notepads • Greeting Cards • Postcards • Canvas Print Mosaic • Calendar(Coming Soon!)

And...here's the good news for you!

All folks, who place an order by June 18, 2010 and mention
In Search of Me in Mommy receive

10% off!

Here is the story...

I am a stay at home mom of two preschool boys. Each day after school, my boys are thrilled to show me their newest creations! I love to see all their artwork and we display the items proudly. If you have young ones like me, you know - while you love the artwork - it becomes overwhelming. I myself didn't know how to manage the piles of colorful, cumbersome, awkward shaped, painted, crayoned, cut, glued, and glittered goodness. Some of it was clearly harder to manage than others, but many pieces were way too adorable to just throw away! I wondered, without adding an art gallery onto our home,

how do I preserve, enjoy, and share all of their charming artwork?

So, one day I contemplated this conundrum, while sorting through their fancy creations and I came up with a brilliant idea (if I do say so myself)! I scanned and photographed some of my favorite pieces and made wonderful artwork note cards. This allowed me to better manage the mounds of "stuff" and provided perfect gifts for the boys’ grandparents, teachers, and others. The gifts were a huge hit! So, I thought that others might have the same challenge with their children’s "art-or-love" and might also be interested in turning their child's masterpieces into some wonderful gifts and keepsakes.

And, that is why I started LittleHandsArtwork.com

A Simple Wish...

2010-06-03T20:55:00.000-04:00

My biggest wish, since becoming a mom, is relatively simple. I have asked for it for my birthday, Christmas and even Mothers Day for at least three years. As each occasion passed without my wish granted, (sing with me) I kept on wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that one day it would be mine!

But, just over a month ago I decided to take things into my own hands! I realized that my one wish, did not need to be a gift - no, perhaps, with a little bit of money, I could make it happen.

The only big obstacle...the green stuff, dinero, buckeronies, cha-ching. And last I checked, SAHMs do not rake in the cash. A dilemma, certainly, but overcome-able...Right?

I considered getting a job - but I really enjoy being a SAHM and the whole childcare cost doesn't really lend its self to a part-time gig. I also considered monetizing my blog - but I don't have many followers so that seemed unrealistic. Then there's the street corner - but it's not really my thing, and there's that whole I-could-be-arrested factor, so that was out. And, while I am still planning to write a book, I am guessing that a publisher is not willing to shell out an advance to an unknown, unpublished, wanna-be-author. And since I want my wish to become a reality, sooner rather than later, that won't work either.

So...one day, while doing some important SAHM mom stuff (going through two, five foot high piles of preschool artwork, worksheets, and scribbled papers), I came up with a harebrained idea. And, the more I thought about it, the more, I thought that maybe...possibly...perhaps...if I can make this crazy-idea work, then maybe...possibly...perhaps...I can make a few bucks.

Plus, and even more important, I am so stinkin' excited about this lunatic idea that regardless of whether or not my wish comes true, I am determined to it see through!

So, while I am crossing my fingers for my simple I-want-a-cleaning-lady (or man - I wouldn't want to be sexist) wish to become a reality...

I am jumping up-and-down in anticipation, exhilaration, and excitement about sharing what my idea has developed into!

But...I can't, just yet.

Tomorrow...

Construction dreams...

2010-06-02T21:51:00.003-04:00

Skid steer, bulldozer, and front-end loaders

Asphalt, dirt, and nasty odors

Blueprints, building plans, and engineering

Hard hats, gloves, plus reflective gearing

Construction sites I love to see,

Pass by one, I scream with glee.

I want to build and assemble stuff

Out of Lego's, blocks, even marshmallow fluff.

Building is a huge passion.

Knowing how-things-work is my fashion.

Some day I will grow to be

A big bad builder, guaranteed!

May in Review

2010-06-01T09:20:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

As with every month, for me, reflecting back on the past month is incredibly helpful. During May, I gained so much, including...

Realizing that my language and mindset about motherhood is powerful! I am not "just a mom" - I am a skilled, qualified woman who is a Mom - and motherhood has added to my skill set!
Being reminded to about the importance of gratitude and taking the time to appreciate my world (here, here, here, and here).
Becoming more sure of who I am and what I want to do (here).
A bigger appreciation for YOU and your willingness to take the time to let me into a little piece of your world (here)!

Ready or not...June!!!

What did you learn in May?

Half Marathon Training: Week 1

2010-05-31T21:25:00.001-04:00

I would love to say that I am psyched, motivated, and loving the training - but that would be a big fat lie. I waiver between feeling good and cautiously excited to being incredibly overwhelmed and wondering why I am doing this. It's been like a yo-yo...and I really enjoy the ups much better than the downs.

So I thought that the best way to review this week of half marathon training is by highlighting the UPs and the DOWNs.

UP #1: I connected up with Michele from Scraps of My Geek Life and Fiona from Mom Active who are both doing the Disney Wine and Dine Half Marathon and I got some great tips! Fiona hosts a Wednesday night program on MomTV designed to support and encourage moms to choose an active, healthy and fit lifestyle. And, during last week's program, which Michele was interviewed on, I learned about two wonderful websites that I quickly started using. The first is Map My Run where it is simple to map out how many miles in a running route (both on streets and on trails). The other site, Daily Mile, gives me the perfect place to log my miles and keep a journal of each day's workout - plus it is easy to connect with other folks! It's fun to feel like a larger community!

UP #2: I ran/walked for four days and each time I felt better about the last.

UP #3: A couple of my workout included pushing my boys in a double stroller. I expected it to be a whiny, fussy, and cranky run - but I wasn't sure if that would be them or me!??! But instead I was surprised at how much fun we had! Since I knew that those workouts would be a run/walk, they got to tell me when to run and when I could walk. I am confident I had a better workout with them than I would have on my own, since they choose "walk" very often, except for the short block where there was a construction site and the time I "highly recommended it.

DOWN #1: 13.1 miles feels IMPOSSIBLE! I can not wrap my brain around how I am going to be able to run that far.

DOWN #2: Blister. Dang - those things hurt! I simply wore the wrong socks. Never again. I bought 6 more pairs of socks, so I will always have at least one clean pair.

DOWN #3: Workout apparel. A few years back, when I decided to run a 5k, I learned about Enell Workout Bras, and for me - who if I could, would happily donate 90% of my endowment to anyone - that bra was a true seas-parting, walk-on-water-type miracle! It is quite the contraption with 20 million hooks and it's amazing smashing and flattening ability. But, it is also a huge pain to put on and I have noticed some raw skin from the elastic band (ouch!) So I think I am going to have to investigate new sports bras. Also - I can not find shorts that are attractive and work for me. Since I am not skinny and my legs, errr, rub together (did I really just admit that?) so unless I wear dreaded spandex or longer pants, I am not comfortable in the least. So either I need to always workout in the air conditioned gym or figure out some new shorts.

OK...I guess I'll take the ups and deal with the downs...

Week two here I come!

When Searching Leads to Finding!

2010-05-29T15:18:00.000-04:00

I started this blog in January and I was feeling lost. Since then I have tried to be purposeful about figuring out who I am, beyond a mom and wife. And while I haven’t figured it all out I feel like I have found more of me. In the past six-ish months I have recognized that…

I am passionate about motherhood and the importance of moms supporting other moms.
Stepping outside of my comfort zone, while unnerving, ultimately produces wonderful moments of growth.
I love to write and that I am even good at it.
I am creative and I need to incorporate it into my life daily.
As long as I am true to myself, it is OK if everyone doesn’t like me. (it sounds simple, but that is big, for me!)
My confidence has grown as I have gained clarity in who I am and what I believe in.

And all these realizations have lead to make some decisions about my life, which are energizing, motivating, and make me excited to get out a bed every morning. Some of these life changes, like writing a book and training for a half marathon, I have shared on my blog. And, because of that, I have made some wonderful and unexpected connections with others who have inspired me! And for that, I am so thankful!

Also, I am happier than I was in January and more excited about my future! It will be fun to discover what the next six months of searching will find.

Thankful for my space...

2010-05-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

My space and environment are very important to me. When I am able to create a place that gives me a sense of peacefulness and relaxation I feel a true sense of home.

Here is one such place that I love, especially on beautiful spring days!

I can sit here, and watch the boys ride their bikes down the sidewalk and play in the front yard.

Today I am thankful this special space.

Where is your "special space"?

Do mothers judge one another?

2010-05-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Liz Szabo worte an article in USA Today entitled Why do mothers judge one another and their parenting? that caught my attention. The article talked about that "mothers can provide one another with invaluable advice and understanding, they also can be quick to cut one another down, making devoted mothers feel inadequate." One pediatrician is quoted to saying, "I call it 'competitive parenting'".

The article reminded me about my early days as a mom.

I often felt judged about allowing my first son to use a pacifier. Random strangers in grocery store lines, would tell my baby, and a sweet baby-talk voice, "Oh, cutie...you don't need that thing in your mouth."

And the comments and opinions continued about my second son's finger sucking..."Oh, that poor guys is going to have to have braces on those teeth."

As I have grown as a mom, I have become more and more comfortable with my parenting choices and thus able to ignore or dismiss comments. But, at times, I still feel the sting of the judgements from others.

I'm curious...What do you think?

Do moms (and dads) compete against each other about parenting styles and decisions?

Have you felt judgment about your parenting choices from other moms?

In search of Me in MOMMY

Moving Day!

I am selfish

Seeing Red...

RENEWed!

Dear Fit Girl

Dear Fat Girl

Create. Explore. Play.

Valentine's Love Letter

Jury's Out on the Plethora of Joy-Inducing Activities

Finding 3 Days Lacking Joy-Inducing Activities.

Day 7 - Finding Joy is Like a Walk in the Park.

Day 6 - Finding Super Bowl Joy.

Day 5 - Making the "Not Fun" more FUN!

Day 4 - Finding Joy in Sledding

Day 3 - Searching for Joy in Dance.

Day 2 - Finding Joy in a Playlist

Day 1 - Finding Joy in Twinkle Lights

28 Joy-Inducing Activities!

In Search of JOY in Ordinary Moments

Middle of the Road

Reflections of Motherhood

Three Word Day

Me in the Mirror

Defining Love - your thoughts?

From Loathing to Loving - a beginning.

The year of...

Crumpled Tissue Paper and Pretty Bows

The Half Marathon that wasn't

Half Marathon Training Update.

Vomitismus...

Women on Fire Tea Party - a little slice of utopia.

Being fully alive!

We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing. ~Charles Schaefer

50% Off...Little Hands Artwork!

Battle Banana

Inspiration...

Your Night Blooming Cereus Moments...

Half Marathon Training...Self-Sabotage

No Hailrails

Inner Wisdom - Nuggets of Goodness.

Cold and Heartless?!!?

Motherhood Video

Half Marathon Training...35 days to go.

Feeding the Soul

Inner Mean Girl Reform School - Week 2

Creating YOUR Life

Half Marathon Training...Facing Fears

Women on Fire

Breathe.

Vacation Bliss!

Introducing Catty Patty

I'm Back!

I miss it!

Half Marathon Training Week 8 and 9

Big Boy Bliss

Half Marathon Training - Week 7 & a Rant

Marinating

Check out this "Mom's Rhapsody"

Half Marathon Training - Week 6 (a day late)

Happy Birthday America!

Toughskin Bitch

Happiness is...

You know you need time to yourself when...

Half Marathon Training - Week 5

Kids Make the Darndest Things...

VIDEO for LittleHandsArtwork.com

Half Marathon Training - Week 4...Little Goals

Humble pie.

Best Job Ever!

Important Health Warning...

Mommy's Spent

Half Marathon Training - Week 3 & Motivation

A Grandma's Great Legacy

Thanks for...

Great thought...

Average-ness

Half Marathon Training - Week 2 & Race Day Jitters

THE BIG REVEAL...LittleHandsArtwork.com

A Simple Wish...

We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.
~Charles Schaefer