At my new home, you can receive my FREE gift - 50 Ways for a Mom to Connect with her Authentic Self. In this document I share with you some of the lessons I learned, thus far, in my search for me in mommy and hopefully will give you ideas about how you can connect with your ME, amidst the chaos of motherhood.
Yesterday was a gray, chilly, dreary day in Cleveland, Ohio. Despite the treat of rain showers, I decided to head out for a walk through the park. Earlier in the morning I had read a section entitled "Tips For Interpreting The Signs From the Universe" in Get Out Of Your Own Way e-course by Dr. Lissa Rankin of Owning Pink that I am taking.
As I walked, I began to think about signs from the Universe and wondered about their existence. In the past I believe that there have been signs, here and there, that have pointed me in a direction or steered me clear from a catastrophe. But, typically, I haven't focused on, or asked for signs on a regular basis. I hadn't really put much thought into whether there are, or are not, "signs" sent from the Universe.
It was during these thoughts when I, randomly, came upon the little red devil!
That little red devil was incredibly unnerving! I was even a bit frightened! Was it a sign? And, if so, what did this sign mean? Millions of thoughts ran through my head - most of them negative.
Was I in danger?
Was something awful about to happen?
What was I being warned about?
And, even though, I had an urge to turn and run back to the safety of my car, I continued on my walk. I tried to "spin" it in my brain and forced happier thoughts - like maybe the sign is about the "devil in the details". Or that since he was such a cute devil, that it certainly couldn't be an "evil" sign...Right????
Moments later, I rounded a corner and saw, smack dab in the middle of the walking path, was a bright red can of Coke.
And suddenly, I began to see RED everywhere!
A red post on the side of the road.
A white plastic bag, with red writing, caught in a tree, blowing in the wind.
A tree with a red trail marking nailed into it's trunk.
And, my favorite, a red-crested woodpecker hopping from tree to tree.
...Just to name a few.
So, obviously, the meaning of little red devil "sign" had something to do with the color red.
Right????
So, when I got home, I googled "the meaning of the color red" and I found this:
Have you ever had one of those times when your brain was telling you to say NO, but your heart and gut were screaming YES?!!? Deciding, at the last minute, to say YES and attend a women's conference 6 HOURS from home was one of those of those times for me.
It was another experience that reminds me to...
"Say "yes" to life -- and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you." ~Eckart Tolle
And it was a Whirlwind of Goodness!
On Thursday night I attending and help coordinate a wonderful Auction for the Foundation for our local school district where we raised over $40,000 for the kids in the district - WOoHooIes! - it always feels good to be a part of something so good!
Then on Friday, after packing my bags and taking my youngest to afternoon preschool, I headed to Alpena, Michigan for an exciting R.E.N.E.W. (Rejuvenating, Energizing, Nurturing, and Enlightening Women) Expo for Women!
Saturday, all day, I was surrounded by wonderful women who shared insights, stories, and encouragement with each other during the all-day conference. In the morning I was fortunate to hear Christine Wagner speak about Using Your Whole Brain for an Amazing Life. Which was incredibly interesting and really made me think.
During Lunch and directly following the meal, I heard the amazing Debbie Phillips share her insights about being a Woman on Fire and about finding your passion. I was inspired...and RENEWed!
Here is avideo made by the amazing Jamie Eslinger of Women on Fire that created that gives a good sense of the event (and I even make a cameo in it).
The only bad part of the experience, what that I had to head home on Saturday and with the long drive home, I had to miss the wine tasting. C'est-la-vie ~ I had a glass of when I got home and I toasted to
Yesterday, I posted a letter to my Fat-Self, to my Fit-Self. Today, my Fat-Self responds to the letter.
Dear Fit Girl Kim-
Please, back off! It is NOT helpful, in the least, when you tell me that you are disappointed and ashamed of me! Shaming me is not what I need and it is disrespectful. Please, be kinder to me.
Do you think I like to be me? No, I don’t! I did the best I could! Do you remember times when you were a quivering fearful anxious mess? Do you remember hiding and running away from the pain? I helped you get though tough times. Were my choices always the best? No, I know that they weren’t. I was just trying to survive with some semblance of togetherness. Yes, horrible habits were formed. I know that. But please – do not shame me now. Be patient with me. Habits are hard to break – especially when I only feel hatred from you.
It means the world to me that you have recognized how hard I tried to protect you. Thank you for acknowledging that. I feel appreciated and, yes, even loved! That is more helpful than you will ever know.
I am glad to see your strength and enthusiasm back. I feel your new “glow”. And, I welcome it. Trust me, I do! I want YOU to shine in the spotlight, as I do much better in a background supporting role. I never wanted to be on the stage. I was just a stand-in waiting for you. You are the star! I am thrilled that you are finding your way!
I was inspired! So I bought the book and am reading it. I have found some nuggets of goodness! And, thus far, the biggest impact has been writing to my Fat-Self and Fit-Self (for me, "fit" was more comfortable than "skinny".) I wrote these letters over a week ago, and I have been hesitant to share, as it feels quite personal and I feel incredibly vulnerable. But it has been SO powerful for me that I decided to post them.
Today is the first letter to my FAT-Self, from my FIT-Self. And the next post will be a responce from my FAT-Self.
Dear Fat Girl Kim- Dang, at times, you make me sad, disappointed and ashamed of myself. When I look at you I cringe with hatred!
Do you know how beautiful I am? You cover me up and won’t let others see my beauty. That pisses me off!
Please stop. Please stop getting in the way of me.
I see myself so clearly in my mind, but when I see you in the mirror or a picture, I am shocked! When did you take over? How did I let that happen? I know it is scary to let go of that layer of protection you have provided me. But you are stopping me from enjoying and participating in my best life.
Being alone WAS scary. It was frightening and felt incredibly overwhelming at times. I know you tried to protect me from those feelings. But, now you are not alone. And yes, you proved that you are worth it, no matter the size! YES, we are truly worthy of love and happiness! But, still, you continue to isolate me from others and from my best life. I’m tired of having my wall of fat up and blocking people out.
I want to let others in and I want to let my true self shine. I want to run and hike and dance and move freely. I want to stand in front of others feeling proud of myself. You get in my way. What do you need from me so we can move forward? I think it is love. But I am not sure if I know how to love you...
I guess I’ll start with gratitude...
Thank you for trying to protect me from the pain of loneliness, failure and rejection. Yes, those are scary feelings – But, stuffing and numbing the pain with food, wine, and inactivity only increases the fear. And, I have learned that facing fears, head on, takes away their power. I know that your intentions were good and for that, thank you!
But this has to end. P.L.E.A.S.E!
Now, can we find other ways to deal with those painful feelings? Believe it or not, I want to feel them. Yep, that is terrifying, but I know that on the other side of the fear there is pure joy!
