On January 1, 2011 when I was seriously considering taking on the love of my body as my #1 goal for 2011, I did something that I typically don't do. In fact, I can not remember the last time that I have actually done this. I sure that for some people, doing this is not a big deal and perhaps strange that, for me, this was incredibly hard. And, honestly, I feel extremely vulnerable, to even share this with you. But, in the spirit of my quest...here goes...
My big step toward loving myself, especially my body, was standing in front of a full length mirror in my birthday suit. Yep, Buck naked. Egads! But, instead of looking at myself with my usual disgust, I consciously forced myself to find beauty.
This body, MY body, has carried 2 children and birthed them. And, has safely completed a sprint triathlon and 5Ks, and trained for a half marathon and was able to ran/walked ten miles. It has never broken a bone or been severely injured. In fact, my body is strong and kind to me. So, I saw the curves, rolls, and excess layers and decided to embrace them.
And while it was a big step - it is hard to maintain that appreciation.
Today while strutting my stuff in a Zumba class, I noticed how much I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. So, I forced myself to look, and tried to appreciate. At times, I laughed at how silly I looked. Other times I saw my body move and witnessed muscles in action and felt good. Occasionally, I saw extra fat, and felt forgiveness...but still there were moments that I felt shame.
Shame that I am the largest one in the Zumba class. Shame for occasionally doing "low impact" when I "should" be able to always do the "harder" exercising. Shame that I am not the thin, active, spirited person that I envision in my head. Shame of the round belly, and double chin. Shame that I have gotten to this place - the heaviest (excluding pregnancy) that I have ever been. Shame that I have high blood pressure - because I have not cared for my body. Shame and sadness.
And I don't want to feel shameful anymore. But I know there is not a magic pill to make it all go away.
So, I write. I share with you my experience about my shame...because "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared." ~Brene Brown
And, I remind myself, that loving myself, especially my body, is a journey... and my mirror packed and ready to come along!
