Becoming my own best friend.

Hi my name is Kim, and I beat myself up.

I am not talking about bitch slaps or sucker punches. Nope, while that would be concerning (and oddly, comical to see), I think what I am talking about may be more damaging.

I do it in broad daylight, while people are watching. I do it in the middle of the night, while everyone is sleeping. I do it while eating and talking and while socializing. The amazing part is that very few people even notice. And, scarily, sometimes I don't even know when I am doing it. The damage can not be seen in cuts, scrapes or bruises and the damage is caused entirely by me. My weapons are my thoughts, and if I was able to see my esteem, confidence, and self-worth, I'm sure, at times, they would be bloodied and black and blue.

It all seems very ridiculous, and unnecessary. I know better. I am better - worth more. The words I say to myself and think about myself, I would never place on others. At times, I am my own worst enemy. So why then, do I do this? I do not know, but I do know that I can make changes, and the cuts and bruises can heal.

Recently I went to presentation entitled Don’t Just Survive Motherhood, Live it!  The speaker, Sharon Nittinger, the founder of Nittinger Seminars, had a lot of good suggestions and tips for mothers about caring for ourselves. One area she encouraged all of us to be more aware of was our negative self talk. When she talked about this, I knew that, for me, this was a key to being happier. In Sharon’s workbook, Rediscovering the Person You Lost: A workbook for you, there is a whole chapter on this very topic. She identifies types of distorted thinking that leads to negative self talk. When I first read the chapter, I didn’t think that I engaged in many of the different types, but after completing the exercises, I was surprised about how pervasive most of the types were for me.

So I have been trying to be more aware of my distorted thinking and negative self talk. When I recognize it, I can usually rephrase my thoughts thus stopping the beating up on myself. The hard times though, are when I don’t even know what I am doing.  Before I know it, I am engaged in dialogs with my inner mean-girl – headed down a path of self-loathing. And that road is paved with “should ofs”, “could-ofs”, “what the hell was I thinkings”, and “damn, I know betters”. It’s a bumpy, uncomfortable trip.

So, when I become aware, I try to turn down another road that is paved with kinder, more forgiving words and thoughts. Slowly, I am learning how to be my own best friend.

Thanks for Scraps of Creativity

Over the past weekend I finished my youngest son, OB's First Year Scrapbook.  He turned 4 years old at the end of February...so I am a little behind. 

BUT, for one very important reason I am glad that I waited this long to do it.

I have been working on this book on and off for about 1 year.  Each time I pulled it out to work on it, OB (okay, so obviously, his name is Owen) would ask "Mommy, are you working on my baby book?"  He was so exicted to see each page completed and asked to hear stories about when he was a baby.

 

So today, I am thankful for my scraps of creativity...

and the stories I got to share.

Released.

As I write this I am not sure if I will post it…but the joy of a blog is that I can create my rant, and then choose to keep it, delete it or release it.

So yesterday, for an hour or two, I was a teary-eyed, emotional, angry raging mess. I was angry because unexpected roadblocks crashed down right in front of my progress. These roadblocks were not worthy of my tears or the expended energy… And, if I am honest, – there was no “crashing”, and really, the “roadblocks” were merely short detours. In fact, I was dealing with everyday inconveniences…Not that I recognized that in the moment. However, I did realize that I was overreacting but I didn’t understand why. So, I cried – sobbed even. As steam seeped out of my ears, I thought, “What the HELL is going on with me?” The emotions seemed to be in control of me. And, DAMNIT… While I am (and have always been) an emotional person, I understand the importance of and even the theory (Thank you, Chickering and higher ed. theories) about Managing Emotions. Furthermore, much of my adult life I have taken to heart what I have learned and feel INCREDIBLY inept (gold-star worthy, even) about appropriately dealing with and expressing my emotions. This did not feel like me.

So there I sat, in the moment, and I was NOT managing my emotions – nope, my emotions were managing me. And, I was mad that I was not in control. What pissed me off even more is this feeling/situation/experience felt oddly familiar. So I thought back… About a month prior, following an uncomfortable exchange with another mom in the school parking lot, I was teary-eyed, emotional and angry. It was another one of those times, when I thought, “What the hell is going on with me?” And, I also remember other times over the past 6 months or so, that I KNOW I emotionally overreacted – and while I can not remember specific dates – these times seem to be evenly spaced – monthly, perhaps?

Grrrr… This is where I am queasy about posting this. I have very little interest in acknowledging that perhaps (while situations can indeed be challenging, frustrating, and emotional) PMS or my hormones are impacting my reactions. And, I am not convinced that this is what is going on with me – but, I do see a pattern, so I wonder. And, right now the thought of sharing posting this across the internet seems…well, CRAZY…yet I still am considering actually doing it. You see, I am wondering if I am not alone in this.

Yes, I do know that medical science has confirmed that PMS is real. And, I have always believed that to be true. Occasionally I would be moody, irritable, and cranky during Aunt Flo’s visit. And, during my pregnancies and after giving birth, my moods were clearly wacky. I get it – hormones affect a woman’s emotions.

But what I didn’t expect, at the age of 40, that I would be blindsided by my emotions. I didn’t expect to feel rage. I didn’t expect uncontrollable tears. I thought I had worked through all of that. I thought that, like zits, was the stuff of teenagers.  And I am SO not a teenager...and the next "change" would be the M-word and that sounds daunting and far away - and, really, doesn't even seem to be a consideration at this point.  So I wonder, what is this extreme moodiness about?

After I “let it out”, I felt much more like myself. Recognizing the cyclical pattern and knowing that “this too shall pass” was calming. And, in the scheme of life, it was just an hour or two – barely even worth talking about.                                       

Right?

Aspirations

Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be.

~Robert Brault

I love this quote...but dang, to know who I aspire to be, that is not as simple as it sounds... But, I have 20 minutes and I am going to try to identify 10 aspirations right now!

I aspire to:

1.   Continually grow and be a better mom

2.   Be true to my husband and our relationship

3.   Explore my creativity and embrace it

4.   Know my passion and pursue it
5.   Be healthier, thinner, and more fit
6.   Be a lifelong learner
7.   Love myself
8.   Bring moms together to make a difference
9.   Relish my friendships
10. Be truly happy

Hum...that was not as hard as I thought it would be.  The harder part is acting in accordance to my aspirations...but isn't that exactly what this journey is all about?

Who do you aspire to be?

Whindingdilly moments...

My favorite book when I was a kid was The Whingdingdilly, by Bill Peet. In fact, before I left for college, I absconded my parent’s copy and I have kept it all these years. When I was working with college students, I used the book in a leadership presentation. Recently I read it to my boys and was again, reminded of its important message.

In the book, Scamp, a typically happy, carefree farm dog had become a bit glum. He was tired of being a dog and wanted to be a beautiful show horse, like the one on a nearby farm. After getting upset with his owner after being called a “silly ole dog”, Scamp ran away. He ran into a forest where he met a witch. The witch, of course psychic, knew that Scamp wanted to become a horse. Instead, she offered to turn the dog in to something better… “A marvelous magnificent something, I call a whingdingdilly.” Scamp excitedly agreed, and the witch did her magic…Scamp became a unique being – a conglomeration of various animal parts, and his new life began. The story goes into the various mishaps and craziness that Scamp experiences as the Whindingdilly. He finds that his dreams of being admired and fantastic, was not as wonderful as he expected. Finally, he is turned back into a farm dog, and he is overjoyed to be himself again.

As I read this book, again for the umpteenth billionth time, I could really relate to Scamp. Throughout my adult life, I have tried on various different “Me-s” – I found pieces of me here and there. Some pieces easily fit, and other times I would try to force an elephant ear onto my rhino face. I have dreamed many different lives, and some dreams became a reality, and others I had to let go. Like Scamp, I have wanted to be someone I am not, I have admired some people to the point of envy, and I have paid the cost of not being true to myself. As I get older, I am finding that I am more and more comfortable in my own skin. And, at times, am able to love myself and be myself – with no apologies. But I am sure I will have more whindingdilly moments. But, that is ok! …Because every one of those moments bring more Scamp moments and teaches me how to be a more authentic me.

Assessed and Curious...

In the spirit of having a purposeful journey to rediscover myself, over the past month, I have taken various assessments (personality, career, etc.). Some of the tests were goofy like Facebook’s Dr. Seuss Personality Test that said I was “Sam I Am”. And since I like green eggs and ham, I am good with that – but I am not sure how helpful it is.

However there were some tests, like The Holland Code, the Enneagram, and from Oprah, a “Who Am I Meant to Be?” test, that really made me think and the results seemed to accurately reflect who I am. I have taken many personality tests before, and have always gained some insight, but what I found incredibly interesting, this time, was the common thread I found in these results.

In The Holland Code (http://www.roguecc.edu/counseling/HollandCodes/test.asp) I was identified as SAE. Meaning I scored the highest in Social, Artistic, and Enterprising areas.

For the Enneagram (http://www.9types.com/newtest) my results ended in a tie. I scored highest in two personality types: The Artist and The Peacemaker.

The last quiz that I took that was from O Magazine (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Am-I-Meant-to-Be) labeled me as “Striving to be Creative”.

While over time, I have come to see myself as creative (previously, I believed that “real artists” had a monopoly on the creativity gene), I never thought of myself as an artist – or that my creativity was anything more than a hobby. But, after taking these assessments and realizing that the common theme is artistic/creativity, I am curious. Curious about what I could do and what I could create…

And what that could mean to my rediscovery.

A Jolt of Happiness

I’m not sure what it was…this morning I was just feeling blah. It could have been about the brown, mucky, sloppy mess of dirty melting snow that we have to deal with every time we walk out the door. It could have been because the house desperately needs a thorough cleaning and I have no motivation to do it. Or that every night (give or take 1 or 2) for the past two weeks I have had some sort of meeting or event and I feel like my husband and I have not had any time together. It could have been many other reasons…but in the end, it doesn’t really matter why – I just was feeling BLAH! So I knew I had to do something. I needed a quick dose of happiness.

Two items came to my mind... 1) During this search for myself, I have came across many different activities that I think, “I would like to try that.” While perusing the internet and reading various blogs, I came across one blog whose author had just finished 365 Days in Photos. I loved the idea taking photos and capturing 1 year of moments.  2) I have also been reading various books about motherhood, happiness, balance, etc. One book that I tend to pick up to remind myself to appreciate who I am and what I have is The Happy Book, by Rachel Kempster and Meg Leder.

So, in the spirit of those two random things, I decided to create personal jolt of happiness. I challenged myself to find and photograph happiness in just 10 minutes. I grabbed my camera, set the kitchen timer, and stated taking pictures. Here are the results:

Our Jar of Marbles...some of these are mine from childhood, some of them are from JT's.  They don't make marbles as beautiful as they once did.

Mocha - our chocolate lab.  She is such a loyal, wonderful dog and for some odd reason, she was scared of the camera... (and clearly not an Alpha).

New Crocs...a hopeful sign of spring.

Dishes painted by my friends at my wedding shower.

The last page of OB's First Year scrapbook - just have to put the book together and it is done!

A wonderful painting that hangs in our master bedroom.  A very good friend of mine's father is the artist.  It is a gift I will always treasure.

And of course, My boys...

And you know what?  After completing it, I Felt Happier!

How would you photograph happiness?...

On your mark, Get set, Go!  (your 10 minutes begins, NOW!)