Friday, April 30, 2010

The kid-less adventure continues...

Did I mention yesterday that I would be OUTSIDE OF MY ELEMENT? That was the understatement of the century! I feel like I have landed on a different planet! I would be more comfortable changing multiple poopy diapers and wrestling down a class of crazy, sugar-high toddlers at a playground, than I was this morning in the sea of thousands of business men (mostly) and women. There I was – in my mommy khaki skirt (I mean I thought I should get a little dressed-up), Merrell Mary Jane Walking Shoes, white tank top, and bright orange logo-ed button down oxford – in a conference room listening to marketing gurus disseminate their wisdom, and later, staffing our booth trying to answer questions about marketing paraphernalia and customer reactivation products. I was feeling like a fraud!

A Big Fat bright-orange-shirt-wearing fraud!

I thought “What the hell am I doing here?!!?” and “I am a SAHM, I don’t know shit about this stuff!” I felt the urge to escape! I thought about running for the hills – but we are in Texas and the land is looking pretty flat. I tried to blend into a wall, or background – but, since I am wearing a BRIGHT ORANGE shirt (have I mentioned that yet?) that didn’t work. And, also, I had to consider that this is my husband’s brainchild; his wonderful ideas that he had produced and people here are interested in buying and using these products! He is depending on me to share his excitement with others.  I couldn’t let him down!

Furthermore, I am completely dismissing my skills, abilities, strengths, and chutzpa.

Yep…I am out of my element. But so what?!! I am a SAHM with two preschool boys and I previously worked twelve years with crazy college students. I have skills. I can tackle toddlers, be up to my elbows in turds, and deal with drunken, unruly co-eds – so what’s the big deal about a few thousand suits?  Plus, I have talked so much in this blog about stepping outside of my comfort zone; consequently, I need to embrace this situation.

So I am.

Tonight while staffing our booth, I was on fire – I dismissed my fraudulent attitude and employed my skills. I chatted, circulated, and promoted. Suits stopped by our booth and I took charge. “Hi, (insert name badge here)! I’m Kim. How are you?” I found out about their business and I suggested ways we could help. I identified commonalities and developed rapport. I showed folks our products, and I and found intelligent and creative ways they could utilize them.

And you know what?

This SAHM still has it! Nope, strike that…I don’t still have it – I’ve got more!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My kid-less adventure (work included)

A couple of months ago, my husband, Jeff, recruited me to go with him to help staff his booth at a marketing conference in Dallas. We made arrangements. My parents, who live in North Carolina, agreed to spend six days with the boys. We booked hotel rooms, registered for the conference and signed up as an exhibitor. We talked about flying, but since we had so much stuff to take for the booth the shipping cost seemed ridiculous, so we would drive. Plus, the idea of a road trip seemed like an adventure and reminded me of the last time we got to spend this much time alone together – our honeymoon, when we traveled throughout Big Sky country. So, yesterday at 7:04am we hopped in the fully load SUV and began our blissfully kid-less adventure, driving 1213 miles southwest, from Cleveland Ohio, to Dallas Texas.

While it feels like an adventure, it is not a vacation. This is work - something that seems mildly thrilling and oddly unfamiliar to me (I mean, seriously, it wasn’t that long ago that I was working, outside of the home, and regularly attending conferences). Yesterday, during our 13 hour drive, my husband (who works in a small family printing business) schooled me about the marketing products that we will have available at our booth and shared information about the people who will be in attendance. Although, I should note, he neglected to mention that Joan Rivers was the keynote speaker, until this morning, when he mentioned it in an off-handed manner – seriously? I should have known about this weeks ago! Currently, we have just entered in Texas and only have a couple more hours until we get to Dallas.  Later today, I will be schlepping supplies, posters, banners, displays, forms, and various other items for our booth into the conference center, and tonight I will be hobnobbing at a dessert reception with other exhibitors (and maybe even Joan Rivers???!!). From Thursday – Sunday, the conference will be in full swing, starting each day at crack of dawn and going well into the late evening. It should be…fun?
Oh…I am going to be SO out of my element.

So for the next few days, I plan to post about my kid-less adventure and my temporary return to a “real” job. It should be interesting...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bucket List - doesn't every blogger need one?

One year ago, for fun, I wrote a wrote my "Bucket List".  I am really good about starting lists like this, but not really good about following through and completing items.  In fact, typically, I will a list and then promptly file it in "safe place" to never think about it again.  Recently, while brainstorming about blog topics, I remembered the list and, miraculously, found it!   So I decided to review the list and see what I had accomplished, what I would add, and perhaps most importantly, post it here giving me some accountability.

I should note that I believe this list fluid.  If I am no longer interested in accomplishing an item, I do not feel guilty about simply dropping it and I also plan to add items as my interests change.

So, here is the list of things I would like to do before I die (the items I completed I crossed out, and the items I want to accomplish in the next year, I highlighted in green).
  • Visit 50 states by time I am 50 - currently I am at 40 states.
  • Triathlon
  • Write a book
  • Try rock climbing
  • Take a painting class
  • Volunteer on a regular basis
  • Travel for 1+ month(s) family trip across the USA - on the docket for summer of 2013.
  • Join a book club/group - Currently reading 1st book!
  • Go to the UP, MI
  • Drive Pacific Coast Highway
  • Ride in horse & carriage w/Jeff in Chicago
  • Eat breakfast for dinner
  • Create artwork or photos to hang in house
  • Research family tree
  • Owen’s 1st year scrapbook
  • Put together digital scrapbooks of recent years 2006-present
  • Go to a movie at least 4 times a year - 1 down, 3 to go.
  • Travel via rails
  • Make wine
  • See a show on Broadway
  • Stop biting nails
  • Drive a long trip (5+ hours) with boys by myself
  • Loose 40lbs and keep it off
I'm sure there are other things I would like to do...I'll have to periodically revisit this list to make changes.
What's on your bucket list?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Possibilities and Realities

So, I woke up this morning with this thought in my head...
Engagement is about possibilities, as marriage is about realities.
Pregnancy is about possibilities, as being a mom is about realities.

The possibilities and realities are both wonderful and challenging! Intrinsically, possibilities hold lots of incredible hope AND mind-blowing worry, while realities hold the stress and boredom of day-to-day doings AND fabulous astonishing surprises.

I wonder if it’s the tension and discord between the possibilities and realities that cause us the most unhappiness... ?

Hum…this is not a fully formed thought, so I am curious.
What are your thoughts?

Friday, April 23, 2010

A message from the Tooth Fairy.

This regularly scheduled blog is momentarily being interrupted by an important message from the Tooth Fairy.

Hello Moms and Dads, Boys and Girls:

This is your friendly tooth fairy and I have some very important news. I, like many of you, are concerned about the current state of our economy. Folks are unemployed, homes are in foreclosure, and we are in the middle of a recession. Times are tough, and while I feel fortunate that I am still gainfully employed, I am struggling. The return on baby teeth is not what it once was. So I need to make a change.

Last week, after visiting one little boy’s pillow, I found a note that gave me a wonderful idea!
Less is more! 
I am tired of giving away all my earnings in quarters, dollar bills, and yes, at times even five and ten dollar bills, for one lousy tooth. This fairy’s got to eat!  (not to mention saving for my retirement - I’ve been doing this gig for way TOO long!)

Here is my inspiration:

"I lost my tooth and I cant find it.  Please bring me a nickle."

So, from now on, for every lost baby tooth, I’m giving out nickels.
Shiny silver nickels!

Thank you for your time and understanding.

Your Tooth Fairy.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Becoming Real

Yesterday, I noticed a comment, a good friend of mine, had made on Facebook about The Velveteen Rabbit.  She said that her all time favorite quote is from that book.  I agreed.  For years, I had a quote from the Velveteen Rabbit posted on my bulletin board at work.  I used it in various presentations and I even recall including it in a college paper.

This morning I woke up to a message from her.  She suggested that the quote "nicely coincides" with yesterday's blog post, and included the quote.  Jillonious, THANK YOU! 

When I reread it, I remembered how much I liked it - and I realized that with the passage of time, this quote has even more meaning for me.  So I thought I would share it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
What is you all-time favorite quote?


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My Ten Year Drought (Past Revisited 4)

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

Frequently, and interwoven into many of my entries was my love life – more specifically, my lack of a love life. For many years, I dated here and there. There were many potential relationships with men that I had pined for, which, much to my dismay, never developed. And, many first dates that were dreadfully laughable. Sometimes, dates turned into the beginning of a relationship, and then later fizzled and ended. There was lots of heartache – seemingly mostly on my part. In the end, though, what I experienced was a ten year relationship drought.

When I turned 29 years old, about eight years into the drought, I realized that those things that I thought would happen to me in my twenties, were not going to happen. That husband, my partner in life, was not on my radar screen – he was no where to be found! That year was hard. After a decade of watching all my friends get married, start families, and have wonderful relationships, I felt defective. I questioned myself… Was I capable of being loved? What was so unappealing about me that no one to wanted to be with me? What was I doing, or not doing, that’s caused me to be single for so long? Why me? Why was I still single? What’s wrong with me?!!?

I did not want to feel this way. I wanted my life to be complete without a man. I wanted the “Sex In The City” glamour that is expected of a mature, confident single woman. I wanted to be a strong, independent, career-loving woman who didn’t need a man. Did I need one? No. I had a great job. I was competent and hard working. And I had enough money to support myself and even got to travel and experience life. So, no, I didn’t need a man.

But, Oh, I yearned for one. Not just anyone. I yearned for a partner. Someone who respected me, loved me, cared for me, and someone who I wanted to live my life and have a family with, someone who wanted the same. I yearned for that relationship.

So I turned 30 – still single. Still alone. I didn’t have the answers. But after a year of trying to understand, and wondering what was wrong with me, I came to accept my situation. Yes, I longed to be in a relationship. But that wasn’t my reality. Instead, I tried to embrace the life I had, not wishing for something different. Sometimes, I was successfully happy with my single status, and other times I was simply sad.

Today, over ten years later, those questions from my 29th year, still do not have clear answers. While I do believe that I have a responsibility, I do not know what role I played in creating my long-term drought. Perhaps I was stand-offish and seemed unavailable. Perhaps I loosing weight would have helped. Perhaps I didn’t put myself “out there” enough. Perhaps I was only attracted to unattainable men. Perhaps I was afraid. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…there are so many potential answers. And in this situation, hindsight is not 20/20.

What I DO know is that being single, when I yearned for a relationship, was hard. It challenged and, at times, took huge chunks out of my self-confidence and self-esteem. It forced me to look at myself and ask some hard questions. I struggled with sadness and depression, which I masked with humor, food, and alcohol. Constantly, I battled against falling into the trap of being defined by my relationship status. Sometimes I won the battle and held on to the belief that I am a wonderful, lovable person. Other times I was defeated by my insecurities and the consequences of some bad choices. Despite all of this, I wouldn’t change my experiences.

Two weeks before my 31st birthday I met my husband. As we grew as a couple, I found that I was right – that I really am that wonderful lovable person that I desperately clung to. I am proud of how I dealt with the ups and downs of our emerging relationship and I know that my drought played a significant role in creating that person. I had grown in ways that I couldn’t have, had I been in a relationship. The time alone, forced me to really know myself and, when my husband entered my life, I confidently offered my true self – weaknesses and all – to the relationship. That authenticity, that we both presented, allowed our relationship to develop and grow into a marvelous marriage. 

So when I think back I remember that, it was hard, but, even the ten year drought, was worth it!

PAST REVISITED LIFE LESSON 4:  Hard times help shape a better person.
What have you learned from your past?

Today I am participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.  Check out other great posts here.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Finger pointing...

I'm not sure why, but I have been thinking about this quote recently.

"When you point your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you."

I guess I need to look at the blame I am placing on others...

READER NOTE: An Aha moment is in process.

Like, perhaps, yesterday, when I was ranting and raving in anger, frustration and guilt, about how annoyed I was by the shenanigans of my 4 and 5 years olds.  I was hating the whining, screaming, non-listening that was going on. 

And I was MAD!  Because, of course, THEY were the cause of my unhappiness. 

Or, were they?

Aha!  A nice slap of humility.  That was SOOOO about me!

Here are other thoughts that I found incredibly insightful!

"Yes, there are times when something is legitimately not our fault. Blaming others, however, keeps us in a stuck state and is ultimately rough on our own self-esteem."
~Eric Allenbaugh

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy."
~Wayne Dyer

Who did you last blame? 
Perhaps, was it yours to own? 

Monday, April 19, 2010

Maitri (Past Revisited 3)

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

During an especially hard time in my life I was reading a book called When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. In my journal I made a note of a concept that I learned from this book. The concept is maitri the author defines as an “unconditional friendliness to oneself.” I was trying to understand the concept, which I believe originates from Buddhists, and here is what I wrote:

“This moment in time, when my life has been pulled out from underneath me and all the feeling that go with that, I need to not run away. I need to face the feelings. To know that if I face them, I grow. In the end, I am a better defined person – I am stronger and better for it. The core of who I am stays, but I grow, change, and become more me.”

While, I had forgotten the word maitri, the concept of facing my feelings and accepting them (without judgment, self loathing, or denial), - which is truly an “unconditional friendliness” - is something I strive to do. Often I fail, and try to cover up my difficult feelings with mindless TV, a glass of wine, food, or another diversion. But there are those times when I succeed and I face the turmoil, and I feel better. Facing these challenges, and working through them, does work!  Later in that same journal, I wrote:  "I have found my strength!"

Past Revisited Life Lesson 3 – I must remember to not run away from hard feelings and turmoil. I must, unconditionally, love myself, and face the turmoil, to grow and learn.

What have you learned from your past?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Woes. just wondering...

I wonder when I’ll…

Have a full adult conversation with out interruptions from my kids.

Be in the bathroom alone.

Fix a meal, other than PB&J or chicken nuggets, that my kids won’t bellyache about.

Sleep until I wake on my own.

Experience a day without whining (theirs or mine).

Not be tired.

Clean the house, and it stays that way for longer than fifteen minutes.

Eat a leisurely meal.

Have a clean playroom, without tears, fussing, or fighting.

Stop yelling.

Figure out how to manage all the demands placed on me, without overlooking my needs.

Have a day without mom guilt.

Give myself a break!

Today, I have a huge case of the mommy woes. 

And, since misery loves company...please, tell me what do you yearn for?

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Today's Thanks for Thursday is all about CREATIVITY!

Earlier this year, I wrote a post about creativity, and I decided to finally do something I had always wanted to do.  So in March, I started taking a ceramics class.  For 2 hours, once a week, I got to escape for the realities of whiny preschoolers, toy clean up time, and bedtime rituals. Every Tuesday night, I took off and got gooey, messy, and happy.

The first night of class, I was shown the basics of hand building – pinch pots, coils, slabs, and was then set free to CREATE!
Create, from pliable, squishy clay to a painted, glazed and fired piece of…art?
I could make whatever I wanted…

Doesn't everyone needs a new pencil jar?!!?
I’m happy with it :)

And, at Tuesday night's class…I got to throw a bowl on the wheel!!!!!!
Yep, just like on Ghost – except, not nearly as romantic.
But fun, nonetheless.

So, today I am thankful for CREATIVITY!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Paradox

Have you ever felt misunderstood? Are there times, when you express yourself, but yet it seems that very few people “get it”?  Or perhaps it is that I am, just now, beginning to "get" this about myself.  Whatever the reason, since this has been swirling around in my brain for a while now, I think it’s time to put it into words.

In this blog, I am open, honest, and share about challenging times – times when I feel raw, confused, sad, and vulnerable. I confess my weaknesses. I may sound very vulnerable, pathetic, delicate, and fragile. And, at times, I do feel those exact ways.

But, that is not who I am.

In fact, I suggest the opposite – a paradox, if you will.

Because I am weak, I am strong.

Let me, again declare (if only for myself):  I. AM. STRONG.

I am not afraid to face my weaknesses. I am not afraid to look into myself and recognize that I can be wrong, misdirected, hurtful, and mean. For, I am human and I am flawed. Fortunately, I am also driven to analyze myself, and learn and grow from my errors. I choose to face my blemishes, instead of ignore, deny, blame, or dismiss them. I do this so that I can become a better person. A better me.

When push comes to shove, I am confident with who I am. And, secure in all aspects of me – even the unattractive parts. I am not afraid to be ME – out loud!  Each time I click “publish” I am confident in what I have written and know that what was sent out, into the vortex of the internet, is an honest reflection of me.

I do, however, realize that the perceptions of my writing are yours to form.

I am just asking that you consider (and for me to remember), that what might seem weak, may actually be strong.

 Today I am participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Past Revisited 2

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

In my post, Past Revisited 1, I shared the first (entitled: Alone) of two poems that I wrote.  So today here is the second poem.

Not knowing where
                   My Place
                   My Home
                   My Self

I wrote this after graduating from college.  I had just moved to the Chicago area and was living with my grandmother (who was in her 80's and coping with Alzheimers - which is whole other story) while I was figuring out whether to pursue graduate school, or find a job.  I was truly lost and confused.  Finding where I belonged was quite a process and it has only been in the last few years that this feeling subsided.  Currently, I am again feeling a lost - but not to the same degree that is reflected in this poem.  It's good have a feeling of belonging that I now have.

PAST REVISITED LESSON 2:  Life is a process.  The lessons we have learned, we continually revisit to gain confidence and further develop.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Why am I blogging, anyway?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about this blog and why am I doing it. I thought that it would be helpful, if only for me, to put in writing, what I hope to accomplish through In Search of Me in Mommy.  First and foremost this blog is about my journey in motherhood. It is my place to figure out me within the chaos of being a mom. In the end, I am doing this for me. If no one else reads my posts, but I learn more about myself, then it will be a success. With this in mind, I have identified the following goals:

1. I hope to grow as a person and as a mom. I intend to challenge myself through books, activities, and other learning opportunities with the expectation of growth and development. This blog is my place to talk about these experiences and share what I have learned.

2. I also hope to say the things that we, as moms, are often afraid to say. Early on as a mom, I found that if I said those horrible things that I was thinking (for example: within the first days of my son’s life telling my husband “I don’t even know if I like him.”) that the horrible-ness was gone and the guilt was depleted. By stating these thoughts, I became more human and felt REAL, instead of trying to be some unrealistic “Supermom” persona.

3. Ideally, I hope this blog provides a starting point to bring moms together to learn from each other. And, to find other moms who are interested in taking the time to learn about themselves and purposely grow as a mom and a person.

4. I have found that I am not the best at appreciating what I have, so this blog provides me the space to be thankful and to express my gratitude.

5. Lastly this blog is my place to practice writing. Various times throughout my life I have dreamed about writing a book. And, if I ever seriously want to pursue that dream, I figured that I should start putting words and thoughts together and see if I have any skill.

As with life, this blog is a process. It is my hope that these goals give me direction – while still being flexible enough for life changes.

UPDATE:  April 17, 2010
Since writing these blogging goals, I realized that I need to add one more...
6.  I hope to have fun and celebrate life's little moments.  And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will, occasionally, post about my boys, and even *gasp* brag a little.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Past Revisited 1

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

As I read back, I noticed that there were two poems I wrote, that consistently ran through my journals.  They are entitled Alone and Lost and really spoke to how I was feeling.  These feelings hung around, like a cloud of smoke, for years.  Having these poems, and periodically pulling them out to read, oddly, brought me a sense of comfort and familiarity. 

Here is the first one I wrote.


Many people
Yet still
                 No one near

                 No one close

No one who knows
Who I am
What I dream...

No one who cares.

Wow!  I am so glad that the poem no longer speaks to me like it once did.  But, I can still clearly remember the feeling - and, because it was present in my life for so long, I know it is not too far from the surface.  Being on the other side of my "alone journey", feels really good!

PAST REVISITED LESSON 1:  Every experience is temporary.  And, even when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, that still, - it too shall pass.

What lessons have you learned from your past?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Easy Button - for moms.

Every once in a while...
this "easy button" would be nice.

~just saying.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thanks for the reminder!

Today I am thankful for my boys' enthusiam for learning!

One day, while driving home from school, we saw an ambulance.  Alex noticed the blinking blue light (a sensor for emergency vehiles) in the middle of the traffic lights and was incredibly curious!  He asked so many questions, and kept wanting know more!  I explain what the light did and why it was there.  He was SO exicted to learn about it that he told everyone* about the blue light and the ambulance. 

Each school day the boys have to write the "news" that they want to share with their friends at school.  The next morning, of course, Alex picked to write about and draw the ambulance and lights.

"We saw an ambulance."

So often, I find, that I don't want to take the time to learn new things.  I have especially found that with this blog...I get so frustrated when I can't figure out how to do something (I think should be simple, like change the look of my blog, or add a link, or email responces to folks who comment) that I simply give up.  Clearly, in these instances, I have lost the excitement of learning and working through a problem.

So, Alex, thanks for the much needed reminder!

What are you thankful for that your kids have reminded you about?

*when I say everyone, I mean the cashier at the grocery store, other shoppers, a random stranger in the parking lot, his grandmother that lives 600 miles away, his father as soon as he got home from work, and a neighbor who stopped by that evening.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dear Lord?!!?

I am not typically a very religious person. But today, when I was having a difficult mom moment, I wrote this prayer.   To be as forthright as possible, I should note that I have NEVER before written a prayer – and it was not a moment of religious enlightenment – it was just me (feeling exhausted, annoyed, frustrated, and desperate) throwing my hands up in the air and saying “help!”
I addressed it as “Dear Lord” because those are two words I use often (however, I should confess, it is not said in a very kind tone – it is my go-to exasperated and annoyed exclamation) and it is the name I use to refer to a Higher Being. Please feel free to substitute with a name/title/being that is most comfortable for you.

Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to deal with my children…

Help me to have…
  • The patience to listen and care, even about the seemingly mundane and childish things,
  • The understanding to know when to offer support and when to appropriately challenge,
  • The ability to not get annoyed at their pestering and pushiness,
  • The wherewithal to persist in being the mom that I want to be, instead of mentally and emotionally running away,
  • The happiness and joy that I think I should be feeling more often,
  • The endurance to continue with the day-to-day aggravations and humdrum tasks of raising children,
  • The energy and enthusiasm to play and have fun with them,
  • The empathy for their tears and crying and the awareness that their emotions are real – even when, to me, they seem to be excessively dramatic and over reactive,
  • The knack to appropriately cope with their whining,
  • The stamina to follow through with consequences and teachable moments,
  • The kindness they deserve, especially when I am tired, drained, and spent.
And, please give me the capacity to forgive myself, when I can not find the strength to meet all these expectations.


Today I am participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.
For some more great posts check out all the other blogger Pour Your Heart Out links!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Solitude and Bunnies

So way back in January, I was determined to lose weight and focus on my health and wellness. And, truly I was committed…for a while. And then I wasn’t, and then I was, wasn’t, was…and the cycle continued. I went on spurts with weeks of intense exercise and then there hiccups, and life stuff. So folks, what I am confessing is that I have not been as successful as I had hoped. The good news is that I did lose approximately seven pounds, and I haven’t gained that back. Also good, I have continued to weigh myself and I still believe that the scale is a friend – extremely honest, and at times forgiving. The bad news is that I do not believe, realistically, that I will achieve my goal of losing 40 pounds by my birthday (early August). And that has been weighing on me – a sense of failure that, like fog, has surrounded me, made me gloomy, moody and hard to be around. I have a hard time finding my way out of that fog. I’m not sure that it has lifted, but I think it might be starting to retreat.

On Easter Sunday, I was chatting with my brother-in-law about the running races he has done recently. He has completed a half marathon and is continuing to train for another. He looks good and feels great. I was reminded of my first 5k that I did back in April of 2007. For me, running and completing that race was huge! I had NEVER thought that running in a 5k was something that I could do, and I decided to prove myself wrong. And. I. Did! While I was training for that race, I lost weight, and felt awesome! I was in the best shape of my adult life!

Please note: I have stated time and time again since than, that “I really don’t like running” – I am not one of those people who is religious about their runs. When training, there were times that I would have to force myself to the gym and would be grousing about the thought of running during the entire drive. Some runs were wonderful and I felt great – other runs were hard and painful, mentally and physically. But, what I ALWAYS liked about running was that my workouts could be fast! I got better results in less time than when I had tried other activities. And, most of the time, I enjoyed the time alone – I could think about anything I wanted or about nothing at all. It was my time.

So, on Sunday night I decided that I would try running again. And, on Monday morning I woke at 5:45am to go for my first run. …And then again this morning.

(like I haven’t experienced in SO long!)

The sky was just beginning to brighten. The birds were chirping. The cement was damp from the dew. The air was crisp, clean and wonderfully breathable. No one was around – sure, I saw cars, and I am guessing that people were driving them – but I didn’t pass a soul on the sidewalk and I heard no words spoken. It was just me, my running shoes, and the beginning of a new day!

Oh, and there were bunnies.
Today was a three bunny run.
Yesterday six.

Monday, April 5, 2010

In Print!

Today's post is little celebration!  This feel a bit boastful...but I am excited, so, boasting or not, here it is! 

A few months ago I submitted a clean-up activity to the My Great Idea section of Family Fun Magazine and this month they used it! 
(And...I even got a little bit of cash-a-roni too!  WOOT!) 

Is was a little dissapointed that they didn't use this adorable picture of Owen that I submitted.

But hey, even without the pic, it's pretty neat to be in print!

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