Released.

As I write this I am not sure if I will post it…but the joy of a blog is that I can create my rant, and then choose to keep it, delete it or release it.

So yesterday, for an hour or two, I was a teary-eyed, emotional, angry raging mess. I was angry because unexpected roadblocks crashed down right in front of my progress. These roadblocks were not worthy of my tears or the expended energy… And, if I am honest, – there was no “crashing”, and really, the “roadblocks” were merely short detours. In fact, I was dealing with everyday inconveniences…Not that I recognized that in the moment. However, I did realize that I was overreacting but I didn’t understand why. So, I cried – sobbed even. As steam seeped out of my ears, I thought, “What the HELL is going on with me?” The emotions seemed to be in control of me. And, DAMNIT… While I am (and have always been) an emotional person, I understand the importance of and even the theory (Thank you, Chickering and higher ed. theories) about Managing Emotions. Furthermore, much of my adult life I have taken to heart what I have learned and feel INCREDIBLY inept (gold-star worthy, even) about appropriately dealing with and expressing my emotions. This did not feel like me.

So there I sat, in the moment, and I was NOT managing my emotions – nope, my emotions were managing me. And, I was mad that I was not in control. What pissed me off even more is this feeling/situation/experience felt oddly familiar. So I thought back… About a month prior, following an uncomfortable exchange with another mom in the school parking lot, I was teary-eyed, emotional and angry. It was another one of those times, when I thought, “What the hell is going on with me?” And, I also remember other times over the past 6 months or so, that I KNOW I emotionally overreacted – and while I can not remember specific dates – these times seem to be evenly spaced – monthly, perhaps?

Grrrr… This is where I am queasy about posting this. I have very little interest in acknowledging that perhaps (while situations can indeed be challenging, frustrating, and emotional) PMS or my hormones are impacting my reactions. And, I am not convinced that this is what is going on with me – but, I do see a pattern, so I wonder. And, right now the thought of sharing posting this across the internet seems…well, CRAZY…yet I still am considering actually doing it. You see, I am wondering if I am not alone in this.

Yes, I do know that medical science has confirmed that PMS is real. And, I have always believed that to be true. Occasionally I would be moody, irritable, and cranky during Aunt Flo’s visit. And, during my pregnancies and after giving birth, my moods were clearly wacky. I get it – hormones affect a woman’s emotions.

But what I didn’t expect, at the age of 40, that I would be blindsided by my emotions. I didn’t expect to feel rage. I didn’t expect uncontrollable tears. I thought I had worked through all of that. I thought that, like zits, was the stuff of teenagers.  And I am SO not a teenager...and the next "change" would be the M-word and that sounds daunting and far away - and, really, doesn't even seem to be a consideration at this point.  So I wonder, what is this extreme moodiness about?

After I “let it out”, I felt much more like myself. Recognizing the cyclical pattern and knowing that “this too shall pass” was calming. And, in the scheme of life, it was just an hour or two – barely even worth talking about.                                       

Right?