March Lessons Learned

Wow, it's already April! How did that happen?

In the spirit of this being a purposeful journey, each month I am taking the time to reflect back and take note of the lessons that I learned.

In March, the lessons I learned are:

1. That judgments, guilt, and beating myself up are detrimental. When I judge others, take on unnecessary guilt and have unrealistic expectations I am not only negatively impacting myself – as a mom and as a woman, but I am contributing to an environment that perpetuates such destructive behavior for all moms.  (I learned that: here, here, and here)
2. It is vital to be honest about our feelings, perceptions, and experiences of motherhood. When I am honest and open I feel less alienated and alone.  (Enlightenment happened: here)
3. Sometimes it is important to just stop and have fun!  (Fun times: here, and here)
4. It’s not as scary as I thought to “put myself out there!” In fact, I feel stronger and more confident because of it!  (Confidence builders: here, here, and here)

Yeah! Cheers to March!

What did you learn about yourself this past month?

Expectations of Motherhood.

This is the last in my series of posts about my new favorite mom book I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. The other two posts are here (Dirty Little Secrets) and here (Mom Guilt). And I should mention that I was NOT asked to read and review this book.  I found the book at the library and really liked it, so I decided to blog about it.

A theme throughout the book is mothers’ unrealistic expectations of themselves. A month back, I had this wonderful Aha moment about my self-imposed definition of being a good mom, and found that I was being incredibly unrealistic and unfair. This realization has helped me be nicer to myself and a better mom, so I really related to what Trisha and Amy wrote about expectations. They also recommended making a list of our expectations and analyze their impact.

So I identified and evaluated some of my expectations.

EXPECTATION 1: I will wake up happily each morning and feel excited and ready for the day! And, almost daily, I fail. My oldest son, AB is an early riser. Typically he wakes between 6:00 and 6:30am. While he is good about following our “you can’t come out of your room until 7:00am” rule there are times when he wakes me because of some “important” question or story he has to tell. But, regardless, I am not a morning person and when 7:00am does arrive, I am not feeling happy, excited, or ready for the day. Most mornings I am not well rested, grumpy, and all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep. Not a great way to start the day! Note to self: Must change this expectation, it is unattainable right now.

EXPECTATION 2: Most of my thoughts, actions, and motivations should be for the benefit of my children. Even when I do something wonderful with or for my children, if I do it begrudgingly, or with motivations that are not purely for them, I feel like I have failed. For instance, right now we are all in the backyard and my boys are having a great time painting. But, because I got out the paints to occupy them so I can focus on writing, I feel very selfish and therefore, again, I have failed them. Note to self: Wow, that’s not very fair to me! Time to adjust the expectation.

EXPECTATION 3: I should keep an incredibly clean house, like my mother did. Each time I see a dust bunny, or a dirty bathroom, I feel the pang of failure. It’s almost as if I think I should have cleaned the house before the dust bunny had the chance of forming and that its mere existence is proof positive that I do not clean enough. I know it is not reasonable, and recently, I have tried to be more forgiving of myself. Note to self: Continue to forgive. Dust bunnies and dirty toilets happen. It’s ok.

I know there are more expectations I have – some are achievable and fair and others, like the ones above, are unrealistic. I am working on evaluating each to make changes.

What are you unrealistic expectations that you can change?

As Trisha and Amy say,

“if each of us lets go of the insane expectations, we’ll collectively create an environment that feels much better to us all.”

Sunshine!

Ahhhhh...Spring Break is here and it is sunny and 70 degrees!  Life is good!

I am so thankful to spend time outside with my boys!

What are you thankful for today?

My "Dirty Little Secrets"

Peppered throughout the book I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile are real moms' “Dirty Little Secrets”. For instance one mom confesses “I lost my job but still dropped my son off at day care and pretended to look for a job while I went shopping and got a manicure.” Another mom admitted, “I don’t know how to ask for help. I just know how to scream at my husband.” These “dirty little secrets” are the reality of motherhood and I think we hurt ourselves, our relationships, and other mothers when we don’t speak about those so-called “horrible” things. Whether it is unrealistic expectations, guilt, fear of judgment, or something else that prevents us from talking about these secrets, the silence perpetuates these negative feeling. The silence seems to confirm that “Yes, that ‘dirty little secret’ IS awful!” When, in reality, these “secrets” are not horrible. They are merely moms doing their best while struggling with the expectations, guilt, and judgments our culture places on motherhood.

Trisha and Amy state in their book, “So it’s time to get real and start improving our lives in motherhood. And the first step involved being frank – with ourselves and with others.” And to that, I say, “Bravo!” So, in that spirit I offer to you my “Dirty Little Secrets”.

• There are times when I ignore and hide from my children in another room because I am not in the mood to be a mom.
• Within the first days of being at home with my second son after his birth, there were times that I thought, “I don’t know if I like him much.”
• When my boys gave up naps, I was bitter and resentful because they were taking away my afternoon moments of salvation.
• Sometimes, just before my husband is due home from work, I make vacuum marks on my carpet so it looks like I have “done something”.
• I am already planning a “WooHooie, Let’s Celebrate with Mimosas!” party for the first morning that my youngest gets on the bus for all day Kindergarten. And, I still have a year and half until that happens!

So Moms, what are your “Dirty Little Secrets”?

Today I am participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.
 

Mom Guilt - an AH HA Moment!

Recently, got the book I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile at the library.  Holy Moly!!! - as I read it, at times, I felt like the authors must have been living inside my brain recording and documenting my every thought!  It didn't take me long to read the entire thing and now I am going back and rereading parts.  When I checked it out, I expected it to be a fun read.  But what I didn't expect was all the practical and wonderful solutions that the book offered.  So I decided that this week I would share some of the wondeful nuggets and the "AH-HA moments" that I got from the book.

The first one is about Mommy Guilt.  What I found incredibly interesting was that, in the book, they compared how men and women experience guilt.  They noted that dads don't seem to have the "guilt gene".  And while they may occasionally have some guilt, it is not nearly as much as moms. 

"Yes, a father who inadvertently whacks his daughter in the head while tossing around a baseball is going to feel guilty. But he's probably not going to question his choices. He won't take the accident as a referendum on whether he's a good father."

I read that, and realized something incredibly important - My husband does not understand the guilt that I feel and therefore may not understand some of my behaviors.

For instance, there are times when I feel guilty because as I am finishing a post on my blog, I hear my children arguing.  I immediately think that, obviously (in my mind), they are fighting because they need to spend quality time with me *guilt*.  So I decide to stop what I am doing to go to the playroom.  On the way, I pass through the kitchen and I see the dirty dishes *guilt* in the sink.  Which reminds me that the laundry hasn't been started *guilt*, and my husband is on his last pair of sock *guilt* ...which leads me to the questioning of my abilities as a wife and a mother .  Typically, this is when I feel overwhelmed - because of course I have thrown in everything (we are out of milk, and the floor need to be mopped, and...) and the kitchen sink *guilt, guilt, guilt, more guilt*  into the evidence.  And since I am the judge and jury, the verdict is GUILTY...horrible mom, horrible wife. 

All of this leads me to a type of paralyzed state.  I am so overwhelmed by all that I have to do and, more importantly, by the guilt, that I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to start and my emotions are ready to explode.  I try to manage it.  I know to tackle one thing at a time and just move forward.  But, at times, I struggle, because all I want to do is escape.  Escape from my feelings, the guilt, the preschool arguments, and the mundane tasks.  And, when I have told (read: complained to) my husband about my day, he doesn't get it.  He says, "just make a list and start getting things done." 

AH HA Moment Alert!: After reading the guilt chapter in this book, I realized, he is not meaning to be SO damn condescending!  He just has no clue.  No experience with overwhelming guilt.  So, he doesn't understand my paralysis.  He is sincerely trying to be helpful.  AH HA!  I need to clue him in!

So I shared the quote with him and I explain how I feel, and you know what?  I think he got it (at least a little). 

I know that I need to work on my issues surrounding guilt, but having him hear me (I mean really hear me) and say, "I never realized you were feeling that"...Ahhhhh, that feels good.

House Projects and Me Projects.

So, as I write this, my husband is painting – our foyer, dining room, and hallway. I am so excited to see the color! (It’s called Ancestral Gold – but at times it looks a bit green). And I offered to help, but he said, “No Thanks”. He is a bit particular about how paint goes on the walls, and my abilities do not meet his standards, so far be from me to get in his way. So, because of the painting, I have been thinking about our house and the various projects that we want to do to improve our home. And, perhaps it is the paint fumes affecting my brain, but I really thought these house projects are just like the journey of life. I know, you are probably thinking… “Definitely paint fumes.” … but let me try to explain…

We bought our home five years ago. My husband and I love to do house projects – however at the time of purchase, we had a newborn, and had just finished gutting and redoing our condo. So we didn’t want a fixer-upper. This was wonderful home for us. It was move-in ready, but we also identified many improvements to make it more ours. So we bought it and moved in. We didn’t need to paint, or change the flooring, or buy a lot of new things. We had learned a lot from our previous home. Specifically, that what we thought we wanted when we moved in, was not necessarily what we liked after living there for a while. So we agreed that we would live in the home for one year before making any major changes. So after one year we decided to tackle a large project and redo a half bath (which we did almost entirely ourselves). Other projects followed. Some simple (like painting), some more complex (like replacing doors and removing closets), some that can’t be seen (like installing a tankless water heater, and new HVAC unit), and some necessary (like fixing a leaky roof). Each project took time, energy, and persistence. Is our house done? No way! There are many more projects slated – but, I know it will not happen overnight. I do have high hope that one day I will feel that the home is just as I would like it. But right now, it is a work in progress.

I too am a work in progress. And, just like our house…

1. I am wonderful, but there is a lot of room for improvements.
2. I have learned a lot from previous experiences.
3. I have come to realize that sometimes, who I think I want to be may change over time and often it is best not to make a change too quickly.
4. There are improvements to myself that I would like to make – some are simple, some are more complex, some most people won’t even notice, and still others are incredibly necessary.
5. Each of these changes will take time, focused energy, and persistence.
6. And I too have high hopes that one day (or at least that more days than not) I will feel that I am exactly who I want to be.

However, most of the time, I am patient with the house project process. I understand, that to do it “right” and have it the way I want it to be, it will take time. I also am very forgiving of circumstances that derail our progress and I understand that “shit happens”. But those mindsets, I have not applied to the development of me. Perhaps it’s high time I do!

 

Lost-ness

I found this quote...

"It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it."
~Erika Harris

And I think it sums up perfectly how I felt when I started this blog.  I decided that through writing, reflection, and actively stepping outside of my comfort zone, I could better find my way "home". 

What do you do to get un-lost?