Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Ugly Confession

I do it.

I HATE that I do it.

But, I do.

I’m not proud of it. I try not to even “go there”. But, sometimes it creeps in. And for a moment, I feel better about me. And when that moment passes (which it quickly does), I feel worse. Because, in the end, it is about me… My insecurities. My guilt. My fear.

I CONFESS: I judge other mothers. Damn, I hate to admit that. Because I know that the judgments that we have of each other is what leads to though horrible feelings of “Maybe I am not a good mom.” I try to be kind, understanding, and often times I can, “Oh, so relate”, and my judgment stays a bay. And in those moments, I am proud to be a mom and feel like I am contributing the greater good of all mothers. But there are times, when a mom does something that “I would never do”, or is not kind, or is just different - and then, much to my chagrin, I “go there”.  I hate that I see such interaction between a mom and her child and I draw conclusions and make judgments without knowing the person, entire situation, or circumstance. It’s not fair. Not fair to other mothers, and not fair to me.

In these times of judgment, for a moment, I get a “good” feeling. An I-know-better feeling. A feeling of triumph, because in my self-serving mind, I have “beat” that mom and the gold medal of motherhood is mine. But that feeling is short lived, and incredibly destructive.  Deep down I know that I have won nothing and that these judgments are merely a defense mechanism for my insecurities, guilt, and fear about my own abilities as a mother.

And, because I have these judgments, I know that other moms are doing the same to me. So, as I hear my son scream “NO, I am NOT going.” And proceeds to laugh at me as I angrily pick up his kicking, flailing body and carry him out of the McDonalds Playland, I feel the eyes.
I want to cry and scream, “I am just doing the best I can, right now in this moment!” And shriek, “No, I AM a good mom.” But as I pull out of the parking lot, with tears in my eyes, and my frustration level off the Richter scale, I wonder, “Am I?”

Today, I am participating in Pour Your Heart out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.


Tabatha said...

Hello.. just found you through another blog.. and let me just say.. I think if we as mom's were honest we ALL Judge other moms maybe not purposefully but unconsciencely at times. We all want to be the BEST moms ever, and we all think we are Doing the best we can... and maybe today's best isn't tomorrows best but it is the best for us at the moment. Our kids make us stronger and I am sure you are a wonderful mom and whatever looks you may or may not get are from moms thinking the same things you are at the moment your picking up your screaming child... but also more of Im glad that is you and not me at the Hugs to you!

Jenny said...

You are right...I think we all judge other moms. I know I do it. I can only think what others think of me when my son and I are out at Target and he has a mini meltdown. We all go through it but like you are a good mom.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't have said it better. You summed it up perfectly. We all are guilty of that. But you know, we are all good moms and are doing the best we can. Thanks for posting this, you are awesome!

Shell said...

What an honest post. I think that there are certain things that I do look at and judge and think "Oh, I'd never do that."

But, what I'm learning is that my kids are proving me wrong and can knock me down several pegs whenever I start thinking like that.

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Judging is totally natural ... it's human nature ... it's what we mortals do ;-) And now Aphrodite and I are following you. Stop by our place when you can!

Tami G said...

don't we ALL struggle with that?!!!
nice slap of reality in this post.
good stuff
and sooooooo true!

I just signed up as your newest follower!

Adrienne said...

I have to admit I have looked around and done it myself...I believe we all do...Society and such would train us in judgement from the very get go...However don't sweat the small stuff being a mom is the best, easiest, funnest, hardest, most stressful gig on the planet!

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

You ARE brave... to admit that on your blog! I am guilty of the same thing, but I'm not going to say that on my page! But seriously, I don't so much judge other moms as I judge other *women*. Like the friend who got within one CREDIT HOUR of her college degree, only to stop school to have a baby and stay at home. It's hard not to judge-- I think that competition is human nature. That doesn't mean it's a good thing. I think it just IS, you know?

Confessions From A Working Mom

Ann On and On... said...

Being human...that's it! Right or wrong. SITS! We are so happy to have you join. I'm hosting a "sweet" giveaway...come on over. :D

Danielle said...

So honest, I have to confess I judge parents daily in my job working with kids (and therefore their parents). Its totally unfair and I feel horrible when I do it, especially since I'm not a mother, and I always try to tell myself 'you have no idea until your there, no idea'.

Do you think the judgment sometimes comes from wanting whats best for the child even if the child is not yours? Like you say 'oh I wish that mom wouldn't hit their child as punishment in a grocery store for misbehaving'.. is it more judgment of the mom or wishing for better for the kid?

Either way I appreciate your honesty and am definitely a new follower:)

Eternal Lizdom said...

I totally applaud your honesty and love that you understand yourself that way.

When judgement comes from insecurity, I think it tends to come back and smack us around more.

It's natural to form opinions and judge others. The important thing is what you do with that. Do you act on it in a negative way? Do you use it to offer a supportive smile or understanding?

Somewhere, I wrote a post on being a judgemental mom... I'll have to see if I can dig it up.

Megan M. said...

Lordy, isn't that the truth though? Let's face it, (and the ladies above me have already affirmed it, but I'm stepping up to the plate right here with 'em) we ALL do it. We measure each other up, and measure ourselves against each other. In parenting, work, appearance, you name it, somewhere along the line it all became a competition.
And yet, in that, we manage to all lose. Suck. But at the end of the day, while we never will be perfect Moms, I'm betting most of us are pretty doggone good.

Tammy said...

We all do it, unfortunately! It is sad. I can remember looking at moms with screaming kids before I had them and had terrible thoughts run through my head, then I had kids and then I was that, when I see it I just have to smile as I pass because I have been there. What a different perspective I have now!

I love the titel of your very clever! Thanks for stopping by today and I am now your newest follower!

Messy Mommy said...

Oh we all do it! But kudos to you for actually admitting it!

Kmama said...

I know you read my post yesterday. That kid that was coloring on my son's paper? Well, his mom came swooping in just minutes after the altercation and I JUDGED. I did. And then I felt bad about it. I think awareness and admitting that we do it are the first steps.

Star Forbis said...

I think just questioning, means that you are a good mom! :)

Happy Saturday Sharefest!

Heather said...

I'm with everyone else! We all do it. And I'm sure plenty have done it to me when I'm out and about with my 4 - 3 of whom are 5 and under. LOL

What a great reflective post! And so awesome that you see it in yourself. I know I've done it. In fact I got caught doing it. I wasn't intentionally judging, just telling my daughter why she couldn't go in the play area that said 3 and under only. But that big kid is. I'm not that kids mother and my kids will follow the rules. The mother was sitting next to me, it turns out and she gave me daggers through her eyes and yanked her kid out of there and left. Sorry dude. Just trying to teach my child a life lesson about following rules. :)

Stopping by from SITS!

Meredith Knowles said...

Instead of feeling superior I try to capture the moment so that I can conjure it when it does happen to me and try not to get so flustered!

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