Thursday, January 20, 2011
Me in the Mirror
This body, MY body, has carried 2 children and birthed them. And, has safely completed a sprint triathlon and 5Ks, and trained for a half marathon and was able to ran/walked ten miles. It has never broken a bone or been severely injured. In fact, my body is strong and kind to me. So, I saw the curves, rolls, and excess layers and decided to embrace them.
And while it was a big step - it is hard to maintain that appreciation.
Today while strutting my stuff in a Zumba class, I noticed how much I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. So, I forced myself to look, and tried to appreciate. At times, I laughed at how silly I looked. Other times I saw my body move and witnessed muscles in action and felt good. Occasionally, I saw extra fat, and felt forgiveness...but still there were moments that I felt shame.
Shame that I am the largest one in the Zumba class. Shame for occasionally doing "low impact" when I "should" be able to always do the "harder" exercising. Shame that I am not the thin, active, spirited person that I envision in my head. Shame of the round belly, and double chin. Shame that I have gotten to this place - the heaviest (excluding pregnancy) that I have ever been. Shame that I have high blood pressure - because I have not cared for my body. Shame and sadness.
And I don't want to feel shameful anymore. But I know there is not a magic pill to make it all go away.
So, I write. I share with you my experience about my shame...because "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared." ~Brene Brown
And, I remind myself, that loving myself, especially my body, is a journey... and my mirror packed and ready to come along!