Woes. just wondering...

I wonder when I’ll…

Have a full adult conversation with out interruptions from my kids.

Be in the bathroom alone.

Fix a meal, other than PB&J or chicken nuggets, that my kids won’t bellyache about.

Sleep until I wake on my own.

Experience a day without whining (theirs or mine).

Not be tired.

Clean the house, and it stays that way for longer than fifteen minutes.

Eat a leisurely meal.

Have a clean playroom, without tears, fussing, or fighting.

Stop yelling.

Figure out how to manage all the demands placed on me, without overlooking my needs.

Have a day without mom guilt.

Give myself a break!

Today, I have a huge case of the mommy woes. 

And, since misery loves company...please, tell me what do you yearn for?

CreAtiViTy

Today's Thanks for Thursday is all about CREATIVITY!

Earlier this year, I wrote a post about creativity, and I decided to finally do something I had always wanted to do.  So in March, I started taking a ceramics class.  For 2 hours, once a week, I got to escape for the realities of whiny preschoolers, toy clean up time, and bedtime rituals. Every Tuesday night, I took off and got gooey, messy, and happy.

The first night of class, I was shown the basics of hand building – pinch pots, coils, slabs, and was then set free to CREATE!

Create, from pliable, squishy clay to a painted, glazed and fired piece of…art?

I could make whatever I wanted…

TA-DA!

Doesn't everyone needs a new pencil jar?!!?

I’m happy with it :)

And, at Tuesday night's class…I got to throw a bowl on the wheel!!!!!!

Yep, just like on Ghost – except, not nearly as romantic.

But fun, nonetheless.

So, today I am thankful for CREATIVITY!

My Paradox

Have you ever felt misunderstood? Are there times, when you express yourself, but yet it seems that very few people “get it”?  Or perhaps it is that I am, just now, beginning to "get" this about myself.  Whatever the reason, since this has been swirling around in my brain for a while now, I think it’s time to put it into words.

In this blog, I am open, honest, and share about challenging times – times when I feel raw, confused, sad, and vulnerable. I confess my weaknesses. I may sound very vulnerable, pathetic, delicate, and fragile. And, at times, I do feel those exact ways.

But, that is not who I am.

In fact, I suggest the opposite – a paradox, if you will.

Because I am weak, I am strong.

Let me, again declare (if only for myself):  I. AM. STRONG.

I am not afraid to face my weaknesses. I am not afraid to look into myself and recognize that I can be wrong, misdirected, hurtful, and mean. For, I am human and I am flawed. Fortunately, I am also driven to analyze myself, and learn and grow from my errors. I choose to face my blemishes, instead of ignore, deny, blame, or dismiss them. I do this so that I can become a better person. A better me.

When push comes to shove, I am confident with who I am. And, secure in all aspects of me – even the unattractive parts. I am not afraid to be ME – out loud!  Each time I click “publish” I am confident in what I have written and know that what was sent out, into the vortex of the internet, is an honest reflection of me.

I do, however, realize that the perceptions of my writing are yours to form.

I am just asking that you consider (and for me to remember), that what might seem weak, may actually be strong.

Thanks.
 Today I am participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday hosted by Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Past Revisited 2

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

In my post, Past Revisited 1, I shared the first (entitled: Alone) of two poems that I wrote.  So today here is the second poem.


Lost.
Not knowing where
                   My Place
                   My Home
                   My Self
                                     Belongs.
Lost.

I wrote this after graduating from college.  I had just moved to the Chicago area and was living with my grandmother (who was in her 80's and coping with Alzheimers - which is whole other story) while I was figuring out whether to pursue graduate school, or find a job.  I was truly lost and confused.  Finding where I belonged was quite a process and it has only been in the last few years that this feeling subsided.  Currently, I am again feeling a lost - but not to the same degree that is reflected in this poem.  It's good have a feeling of belonging that I now have.

PAST REVISITED LESSON 2:  Life is a process.  The lessons we have learned, we continually revisit to gain confidence and further develop.

Why am I blogging, anyway?

Recently I have been thinking a lot about this blog and why am I doing it. I thought that it would be helpful, if only for me, to put in writing, what I hope to accomplish through In Search of Me in Mommy.  First and foremost this blog is about my journey in motherhood. It is my place to figure out me within the chaos of being a mom. In the end, I am doing this for me. If no one else reads my posts, but I learn more about myself, then it will be a success. With this in mind, I have identified the following goals:

1. I hope to grow as a person and as a mom. I intend to challenge myself through books, activities, and other learning opportunities with the expectation of growth and development. This blog is my place to talk about these experiences and share what I have learned.

2. I also hope to say the things that we, as moms, are often afraid to say. Early on as a mom, I found that if I said those horrible things that I was thinking (for example: within the first days of my son’s life telling my husband “I don’t even know if I like him.”) that the horrible-ness was gone and the guilt was depleted. By stating these thoughts, I became more human and felt REAL, instead of trying to be some unrealistic “Supermom” persona.

3. Ideally, I hope this blog provides a starting point to bring moms together to learn from each other. And, to find other moms who are interested in taking the time to learn about themselves and purposely grow as a mom and a person.

4. I have found that I am not the best at appreciating what I have, so this blog provides me the space to be thankful and to express my gratitude.

5. Lastly this blog is my place to practice writing. Various times throughout my life I have dreamed about writing a book. And, if I ever seriously want to pursue that dream, I figured that I should start putting words and thoughts together and see if I have any skill.

As with life, this blog is a process. It is my hope that these goals give me direction – while still being flexible enough for life changes.


UPDATE:  April 17, 2010
Since writing these blogging goals, I realized that I need to add one more...
6.  I hope to have fun and celebrate life's little moments.  And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will, occasionally, post about my boys, and even *gasp* brag a little.

Past Revisited 1

Recently I pulled out my journals and reread them. I started journaling when I was a junior in college, which, *gasp* was almost 20 years ago. Reading about different moments in my past was incredibly enlightening. And, because I typically journaled when I was conflicted, I read about many life-altering moments. Often I would go to the journal to organize my thoughts, put together action steps and identify my goals and dreams. Other times, I simply groused about situations and issues. As I reread these entries, I learned quite a bit about how I became who I am today. Periodically, I plan to share things I have found and learned from delving into my past.

As I read back, I noticed that there were two poems I wrote, that consistently ran through my journals.  They are entitled Alone and Lost and really spoke to how I was feeling.  These feelings hung around, like a cloud of smoke, for years.  Having these poems, and periodically pulling them out to read, oddly, brought me a sense of comfort and familiarity. 

Here is the first one I wrote.

Alone

Many people
Yet still

                 No one near

                 No one close

No one who knows
Who I am
What I dream...

No one who cares.

Wow!  I am so glad that the poem no longer speaks to me like it once did.  But, I can still clearly remember the feeling - and, because it was present in my life for so long, I know it is not too far from the surface.  Being on the other side of my "alone journey", feels really good!

PAST REVISITED LESSON 1:  Every experience is temporary.  And, even when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, that still, - it too shall pass.

What lessons have you learned from your past?

Easy Button - for moms.

Every once in a while...

this "easy button" would be nice.

~just saying.