Wednesday, February 3, 2010

How Did I Get Here? (part 3)

Part 1 and Part 2
Clearly something happened between the joy of treasuring my babies and my frustration of raising preschoolers. I am sure that some it has to do with the challenges of being a parent and, more specifically, a SAHM. As much as I didn’t want to admit it – or perhaps believe – being a mom is incredibly hard and draining. It is life changing! Having good parenting and coping skills is essential. And, I sincerely believe that I was equip with both – yet there I was struggling and not feeling happy. So after reviewing, tweaking, and making changes to how I respond to and raise my boys (an lifelong, evolving process), I was feeling better about my parenting…but still there was this gnawing feeling of…well, blah! Perhaps this is not just about the boys and my parenting – perhaps my blah is about me. What happened? While reflecting upon the times since I first became a mom to the current, I gained better understanding of what happened to me.

My husband, JT, is a serial entrepreneur and has always been interested in pursuing new and innovative projects. Some projects are directly related to his work, while others are not. He is not a spontaneous, nor does he make rash, ill-informed decisions – and about three years ago, he set out to make changes in his life with the goal of pursuing his dreams. During this period I was just beginning to find that I had some time – sleep deprivation had (mostly) subsided, and the boys were starting to do things independently (walk, talk, eat without much assistance, play together…). I wanted to be supportive and assist him pursuing his dreams. And ultimately, this was for the good of the family, so it seemed like a natural thing to do. I did research, made phone calls, put together information packets, file, attended meetings, etc. My new-found time was filled. Now and then I would get sincerely excited about these dreams and would try them on as my own. But, my excitement would wane, and the fit just never felt right. Instead of being true to myself…I was lost in his dreams.

Perhaps even more confusing, I was lost within my role as a mom. Odd…isn’t that what my dream has always been – to be a mom? Huh? And yes, that is entirely true. I have always wanted to be a mom – BUT, being a mom is not all I am. I was not honoring ME and who I am – all those wonderful (and not-so wonderful) parts of me that are outside of mommy-hood and wife-dom.

Today I am still committed to being a great mom and wife, but now I am also committed to being an amazing me! So, there it is – that is how I got here – In Search of Me in Mommy.

1 comment:

Life As I Know It said...

I have 2 boys as well - a little older than yours, and I am just now trying to find ME again. And so many people warned me when I started having kids to not lose myself in motherhood, but it's inevitable, to some degree, I think. I think that's why so many of us have blogs, as well...a space for our creative energies.

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