Wednesday, January 27, 2010

How Did I get Here? (Part 1)

"There I am in younger days, star gazing,
Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass, faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen"
- Indigo Girls

In 1981, I was in 5th grade and I distinctly remember our teacher asking us, “What do you want to be doing in 10 years?” Row, by row, each child answered her question. “a journalist”, “a teacher”, “a scientist”, “studying to be a doctor”…all admirable careers and goals. She smiled, nodded, and was pleased with each child’s aspirations – that is, until I answered…    “a Mom”.  Her face changed – She was horrified! – “But you’ll only be 20 or 21 years old!” she exclaimed. Oblivious to her horror (and reasons for her reaction), I responded confidently, “Yep!”

Fast forward 10 years: I was in my sophomore year of college and, fortunately for me, I was not a mom. I knew that, at the age of 20, I was not ready to have children. I was too immature, selfish, and furthermore I wasn’t even dating anyone. Even still, that did not dampen my desires to fulfill that dream.

I always knew that I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I figured that I might meet the man of my dreams in college. I dated some, and even had a long-term relationship, but I graduated single. It didn’t matter…I still felt young and I had lots of life to live. So I went off to graduate school…then to my first professional job…then second…third…

And then I turned 29 years old. Huh? Whoa – what happened...or, more accurately, what didn't happen? That stuff – that husband, children, house, and white picket fence was suppose to happen in my twenties – right? I could do the math – since I wasn’t dating anyone (and pathetically, did not even have a prospect), there was certainly NOT enough time for “that stuff” to happen. And, worse yet, since I had just gotten a cat, I had a vision of me - old, single, kid-less, and a CAT LADY! Needless to say, year 29 was not my best!
No matter how much I tried to talk myself out of wanting a family of my own, I couldn’t shake the dream away. Even still, I truly believed that “I would rather be single for the rest of my life than marry an asshole.” So when I turned 30 I asked myself if I would ever consider having children on my own…to which, I decided not to decide. My plan was to revisit the concept if I was still single when I turned 35. Fortunately, I didn’t need to, because two months before my 34th birthday (in 2003) I got married... and true my word, he's not an asshole, but a wonderful (most of the time) guy! So, my dream could begin and blissful happiness would surely ensue…Right?

How Did I Get Here (Part 2)
How Did I Get Here (Part 3)

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