This mom's purposeful journey to rediscover herself
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 3 - Searching for Joy in Dance.
Yesterday was DAY3.
And yesterday, a few books that I had ordered from Amazon had arrived, and I decided to start reading Life Is A Verb, by Patti Digh. Throughout the book, Ms. Digh provides activities for the reader. Ironically, the first activity was about exploring joy through dance. So, I figured it was clearly a sign from the universe - Dancing would be my joy-inducing activity.
First, it is important to know that I am not a dancer. I have never really liked going out to clubs, not even in college, when all my friends were "doing it". Dancing has just never been my thing - in fact we didn't even have any dancing at our wedding. So dancing definitely takes me out of my element. With this being said, there have been times when I have turned on some tunes and be-bopped around my house and even, dare I say, "got my groove on!" So, while dancing is not my thing, it is not a completely far-fetched activity.
So I tuned on my tunes, from my new playlist. Grabbed my four year old son and we began to dance. He had a blast wiggling, jumping, spinning, and shaking. His giggles (and wiggles) should have been contagious. But they weren't. I was completely in my head - and was self-conscious about EVERYTHING!
About my dancing...
About my body...
About my crabby mood that wasn't lifting...
About an anticipated message I hadn't received yet...
About the presentation I was scheduled to do that night...
And ESPECIALLY about the Joy that was NOT happening...
And so, my joy-inducing activity ended up inducing the exact opposite.
I became melancholy and sad and began to wonder, if perhaps, I do not know how to let joy into my life. It felt incredibly defeating.
Fortunately, this happened in the morning, and in the afternoon I had lots of stuff to do. So I went about my day and slowly the melancholy lifted. Then, after successfully completing my presentation last night, I realized that I had been nervous (all day) and felt incredibly vulnerable about sharing my story. That, compounded by my anxiousness regarding the above mentioned message, foiled my joy. I was not open to receiving joy - other emotions were in the way.
I recognize that joy can not occur simply because I do a joy inducing activity. And, I know that my heart has to be open to it. And, I understand that sometimes my heart is closed and, rightly, focused on other matters.
I can NOT force joy.
Which may lead someone to wonder whether or not my joy-inducing activity experiment is worth doing. I, in fact, wondered the same thing. But tonight, when my son unexpectedly turned on the twinkle lights while I was sitting at my desk, and I immediately felt a twinge of JOY (and saw a glimmer of happy in his eyes) I had my answer.
So, I am thinking that a Dance-Do-Over is in order!